BLOG TOPICS::
Just making sure everyone has seen all 11 episodes. I realize they all came out at sort of the same time, and maybe some of you missed an episode here and there. Well here they all are - 5-11. See the link at the bottom for 1 through 4.















Here is a link to the first four episodes if you missed them.




Marty :: 
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First Video: The Definition of Domination

Episode #2: Clemson Math

Episode #3: Clemson English: Defining "Not Domination"

Episode #4: Math Lessons from @USuCkShamecocks



Check out episodes #5-#11 here.




Marty :: 
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After I published the previous "Thank You, Marcus Lattimore" blog post, I assumed it would add some form of closure to this ordeal for me emotionally. I was wrong. The first five hours it was on the internet it got read by over ten thousand different people. To no one's surprise, many folks shared my feelings about Marcus.

If you haven't read that first blog you need to do that in order to put this one in the proper context. Do that by following this link.

I wrote the piece not knowing whether Marcus or his family would ever read it. I actually assumed they probably wouldn't, and haven't heard anything to lead me to believe they have, so that didn't affect me. I wrote the piece for my own pyscho-therapy. Part of me truly felt like if I put in writing my inner most feelings about Marcus Lattimore that it would somehow make my heart stop hurting for him and his family. It didn't. It did, however, create something all together different inside me. It created a mission!

A mission to organize the Gamecock fans into action. Here is what I am thinking.

For the sake of this article I will keep these numbers simple. Let's pretend there are 40 weeks worth of work outs between now and the next time Marcus Lattimore can actually practice football again at full-speed. I made these numbers up because no official report has been published as to the extent of Lattimore's injuries yet. But for the sake of this article let's assume 40 weeks.

With 40 weeks of work-outs, let's assume there are 10 rehab sessions a week. There may be more or less, I truly have no clue. I'm a former kicker and now comedian, remember? But let's assume 10 rehab sessions per week. Let's also assume that half of these will be sincerely grueling for Marcus and therefore need to be kept private. But that leaves 5 work-outs sessions per week for 40 weeks which could feasibly be witnessed by the public. Do you feel where I am going with this yet? I'm guessing you do. (If you read the first article like I said you should have this would make sense.)

Therefore, that leaves us 200 work-outs between now and the next time Marcus can actually practice full-speed. (Again, these are hypothetical numbers at this point, could be more could be less.) My thought is this. Can we divide these 200 work-outs between the 80 thousand some odd folks who regularly attend the games and help encourage Marcus by actually showing up and cheering him on?

My thought is if a church group can organize three full months of hot cooked dinners for parents of newborns, then certainly we can organize how to attend Marcus Lattimore's rehab sessions.

Here is what I am picturing. Each fan signs up well in advance for one appointed time. We cap each work-out at a maximum number of attendees based on feedback that we obtain from the training staff. (Meaning, if we can do a dozen fans we'll do a dozen fans, but if we have to only do one because of what the doctors say, we'll only do one.)

That fan, or group of fans, then makes a few posters and bakes some healthy protein cookies or something. They attend their workout in a small private group escorted to the rehab session by a University staffer. They spend five to ten minutes getting pictures with Marcus before and after the work-out. During the work-out they clap and cheer for his weight-lifting or his running. That's it. This happens five times a week for Marcus and he feels Gamecock Nation behind him during his recovery.

We then form a facebook page dedicated to only these visits so the pictures can be posted and comments placed on them to encourage his family back home. The facebook page could also serve as a reminder if Marcus ever gets frustrated.

Obviously, logistically, a few million things would have to happen between now and the first organized session, but what do you think?

My thought is the only problem we would face is that we would have far too many people wanting to do it than we could handle. If that is the only problem we would face, then I vote for trying to make this happen!

I will admit I have no connections that could pull this thing off, but you know what I do have? Zero pride or fear walking up into the offices and trying to talk to someone. Especially if I have the backing of my blog website with hundreds (or even better, thousands) of comments backing me up.

So what I need from you is for you to pass the article along to folks who you think would be interested in signing up for a work-out session. Get them to post a comment here about it. If enough folks post comments here, we might be able to build enough momentum to actually gain a meeting of some sort with the athletic department.

Who knows? All I know is the thought that Marcus would know he's not alone helps me start to see the horizon for him and his family and that makes me happy.

As I finished typing this blog post, I started thinking about the implications this would have on the other team members who were also going through rehab on their injuries.What I immediately thought was they could work out during the same sessions and therefore the audience in attendance would get to cheer on everyone who was doing rehab that session, and not just Marcus. Either way, I think it's a great idea and worth pursuing.

I am interested in your thoughts, so please leave comments below.



Marty :: 

Thank You, Marcus Lattimore

Sunday, October 28, 2012 104 comments

Thank You, Marcus Lattimore

February 3rd, 2010 is the day the Gamecock football program changed forever for the better. Many fans believe the red letter day for South Carolina was the day Coach Spurrier took the head coaching job, but it was actually a few years later when the real change happened. Coach Spurier has certainly been one of the driving forces for the upswing of Gamecock football, but history will look back to that winter day in 2010, when a young Marcus Lattimore put on that Gamecock baseball cap and announced he was going to be a Gamecock.

No other player has had the impact of Marcus Lattimore. In the movie Remember the Titans, Julius tells Gary that attitude reflects leadership. The day Marcus Lattimore stepped on campus this became obvious for the Gamecocks. I've heard from someone close to the program that Marcus Lattimore would show up at 5:45 a.m. and run the punishment with his teammates who missed breakfast check or study hall. Sometimes this punishment included running the entire Williams Brice stadium steps. Picture at one of the punishments, a teammate of Lattimore's looking at Marcus and saying,

"You didn't miss anything, why are you here?"

And Lattimore replying,

"Because you're here."

In all my years of playing, coaching, or watching athletics, I cannot think of a better example of leadership. (Or a better explanation of why Lattimore was capable of 40 carries in an SEC football game!) Marcus Lattimore is the single most influential force in South Carolina football history.

Lattimore reminds me of two leaders. One is from the Bible and one is from the movies. Those two leaders are Moses, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Lattimore led the Gamecock football nation out of a century of mediocrity. But like Moses, for reasons hard to comprehend, Lattimore himself may not actually be able to enter the Promised Land with the rest of his team. Gamecocks have certainly wandered in the desert for more than 40 years, but behind the unbelievable leadership of Lattimore have gotten to the door step of the Promised Land. As cliche and common as this sounds for a Gamecock fan to say, next year's schedule and returning roster lends itself to big things.

At the time of the publishing of this article, no official report has been given to the severity of Lattimore's injury, so it is not possible to conclude what the future holds for him. All I know is, he was the back bone of the largest culture change in college football history. South Carolina went from being a bottom dweller cast aside by the national media to being a yearly top ten program, all on the coat tails of the leadership of Marcus Lattimore.

He is also like Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars. Obi-Wan delivers a famous line near the end of Star Wars, which is paraphrased as,


"If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

I truly believe Marcus Lattimore's leadership is so powerful that it could prove to be more potently effective to the current team and future teams if he is somehow not able to play.

The future of the Gamecock football program was strengthened the day Marcus Lattimore decided to play for the university. It may be part of the larger master plan for this young man to strengthen the program even more by not being able to play. I believe he will provide a lasting foundation at the university by inspiring a generation of young players to actually stay home and play for the Gamecocks.

Every Gamecock fan thought Lattimore's influence would be made by having a long and successful NFL career. And, of course, we all pray that this still happens. But if it doesn't, I truly believe Lattimore's influence on the future of Gamecock football will still be vast.

There are young boys all over the state of South Carolina who woke up this morning hearing stories about Marcus Lattimore. They are all hoping to one day make an impact on Gamecock football just like Marcus has and just like he will.

I pray that Marcus is able to play again and play fantastically. But if he's not, I want him to know what he has meant to this Gamecock fan. His leadership has been second to none. He has helped the Gamecock football program rise from the ashes like the phoenix. He has made every kid in South Carolina playing backyard football who has ever had fleeting thoughts about the Gamecock football program to conclude immediately that they want to go to South Carolina.

While Marcus may not actually get to enter the Promised Land when the Gamecocks go there, I want Marcus to truly realize, that every Gamecock fan across the world knows that it was his hand we held as he pulled us, it was his heart that guided us, and it was his feet that took us there. Every player and every fan simply followed their leader, Marcus Lattimore, to the door step of the Promised Land. We will be forever grateful.

February 3rd, 2010, Lattimore committed to South Carolina and changed the program forever. October 27th, 2012, Lattimore was stricken down by this awful injury. October 28th, 2012, I began looking forward to watching Lattimore become "more powerful than I can possibly imagine."

It is with a prayerful heart, and a joyful spirit that I sincerely say thank you to Marcus Lattimore for all he's done for the Gamecocks. I am currently looking forward to fighting the lump in my throat while watching an ESPN, 30 for 30 production 12 years from now recapping all the influence Marcus Lattimore had during his time at South Carolina and in the NFL.

I believe we as Gamecock fans should randomly show up during Lattimore's rehab workouts and cheer for him. When he says,

"You don't need rehab, why are you here?"

We simply respond,

"Because you're here, Marcus..."

Go Gamecocks. Go Marcus. We love you.

[ I invite you to leave any message for Marcus telling him what his leadership has meant to you over the years by posting a comment below. ]



Marty :: 
This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the Georgia game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part one.

Break-Down: Georgia 2012 Part #2 (of 2)



Nothing more to this post!

Marty :: 
This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the Georgia game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part one.

Break-Down: Georgia 2012 Part #1 (of 2)



Nothing more to this post!

Marty :: 
Coach is sometimes grainy and out of
focus to those who don't understand
his mastermind ways.
Spurrier has duped the local and national media yet again. Why do the reporters all get tricked into this bait and switch every time it happens? I will tell you why. Because they are like sharks swimming around a bloody carcass, and cannot help themselves. It's in their nature to chomp on that carcass and they can't help but do it. Coach Spurrier knows this and uses it to his delight whenever he sees fit.

The latest version of Coach Spurrier's tactics revolve around local State Newspaper columnist, Ron Morris. Morris made some comments which allowed Spurrier to create his planned media diversion. Those comments were personal in nature about Spurrier. (You can google those and read ad nauseam. I am not concerned with those comments.)

What I am focusing on is how easily Spurrier is able to wield his jedi-mind trick powers over every single media outlet on the planet. Sports talk radio, newspapers, blogs, network television websites, national news organizations, are all buzzing this week about the "whiny Coach Spurrier needing thicker skin." Those media outlets can't get enough of it. They are all romantically united in this stance against the all-powerful Coach railing against one of their own.

And this is EXACTLY what Coach Spurrier wanted to happen.

We have seen these tactics before, and evidently, Coach Spurrier realizes they will always work, so he keeps using them. Coach Spurrier would rather the pundits talk about his need for "a thicker skin" than bombard his players or assistant coaches with questions about the upcoming opponent. He wants his team singularly focused on beating Georgia, while he diverts all the distractions upon himself.

If you don't believe Coach Spurrier picks and chooses when to do these types of things, just take a look at exactly when they have all happened in the past. "Free Shoes University" was just before the championship game against FSU. The "echo of the whistle comments" were before the same game. The Phil Fulmer comments were always before big games ("Can't spell Citrus without UT.) The last Ron Morris debacle was the week Garcia was kicked off the team. Spurrier creates these distractions on purpose when he chooses to. Why is it not obvious by now?

The extraordinarily entertaining part to me is how all the "media folks" are so up in arms about Spurrier's behavior. They are all crying about how Spurrier needs to grow up and treat this situation with more dignity and grace. They are clamoring about it all over the interwebs. All the while, failing to realize they are indeed acting exactly like that which they criticize, and are doing so at the beck and call of the mastermind himself.

Continuing the irony, the national media pundits are all saying Coach Spurrier needs "thicker skin." To that I say, THE NATIONAL MEDIA needs thicker skin. All the national media outlets who are publishing articles saying Coach Spurrier should just ignore Ron Morris' comments are all being giggled at behind closed doors by Spurrier. The truth is, THEY should be ignoring Spurrier's comments but they are physically incapable of doing so. Spurrier knows this!

If Spurrier hadn't pulled this stunt, every article would be headlined with something like, "Biggest Game Ever at Williams-Brice." Gamecock players would be reading those headlines and become distracted by them. Instead, they get to plan for Georgia like business as usual. Business as usual at South Carolina means their coach is ornery about some local media idiot as that same coach yells at them at practice. To all Gamecock players this just feels like a normal game week.

And one last note in regards to what Spurrier is pretending to be upset about in order to shield his team from getting distracted by the over hype.

I realize I am not a professional journalist, so I don't understand how all the ethics of journalism work. I am just a comedian. Can someone please explain the particulars of how it all works? Am I allowed to just say whatever I want to say, and then if it turns out to be a lie, apologize for it the next day? Is that how journalism works? Do "columnists" get to lie then apologize since they are not "reporters?" I am confused.

But unlike any media pundit who has published any article this week about Spurrier's comments instead of the magnitude of the upcoming game, I am NOT CONFUSED. Spurrier didn't dupe me. I saw it all happen first hand and loved it all. Just like I did all the other times.

And if you are not convinced Spurrier does these things on purpose effectively, ask yourself what you remember about the last twelve South Carolina games. Is it the fact that we are 11 and 1 during those twelve games, or is it that you remember Spurrier railing on Ron Morris the week Connor Shaw took over the Gamecock's starting job? Of course you don't remember that because nobody cares about that stuff later on. You remember the WINNING not the whining. Spurrier knows this and continues to WIN, while he continues to whine. Later this year after the Gamecocks have won more than ever before, no one will care that Spurrier was a little whiny after the Mizzou game. Those same reporters will vote him SEC Coach of the Year for the umpteenth time.

All the while, Coach Spurrier will know he did it all on purpose. Anyone who feels otherwise is just part of Spurrier's master plan.


Marty :: 

UAB Breakdown #2 of 2

Wednesday, September 19, 2012 0 comments
This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the UAB game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part two. This is one of my favorite ones over.

Break-Down: ECU Part #1 (of 2)



Nothing more to this post!

Marty :: 
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UAB Breakdown #1 of 2

Wednesday, September 19, 2012 0 comments
This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the UAB game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part one. This is one of my favorite ones over.

Break-Down: ECU Part #1 (of 2)



Nothing more to this post!

Marty :: 
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ECU Breakdown #2 of 2

Thursday, September 13, 2012 0 comments
This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the ECU game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part two. This is one of my favorite ones over.

Break-Down: ECU Part #1 (of 2)



Nothing more to this post!

Marty :: 
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ECU Game Break-Down Part 1 (of 2)

Monday, September 10, 2012 0 comments
This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the ECU game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part one.

Break-Down: ECU Part #1 (of 2)



Nothing more to this post!

Marty :: 
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Etiquette for Facebook Smack-Talk

Friday, September 07, 2012 0 comments
Here is an excerpt from my blog article at GamecockCental.com dated September 7th, 2012.

Important note: I outline the three rules of etiquette for smack-talk on Facebook. In Rule No. 1, I establish what it means to be a "Facebook Jerk." This excerpt picks up at Rule No. 3.

...

Rule No. 3: Nothing posted counts towards a person's perceived integrity if posted on Facebook the week before or after the Carolina-Clemson game. (Or big rivalry game if you are not in South Carolina.)

Post anything you want, with whatever mean spirit you want, and it just doesn't count. But that statute of limitation runs out on the eighth day after the game has passed.

For example, when I set a Google Calendar alert on Jan. 20 to email me on July 4 to remind me to come to Facebook and post that West Virginia just scored again, that was outside the statute of limitation for reasonable smack talk on Facebook. This action made ME the Facebook jerk. Therefore, the proportionate response from any lunatic Clemson fan should be allowed by me on my Facebook page at that time (and it was and it was worth it. And oh, by the way, West Virginia just scored again.)

To read this article in its entirety, please visit the story's page at GamecockCentral.com here.



Marty :: 
This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the Vanderbilt game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week, one for defense and one for offense.

 Offensive Break-Down

Defensive Break-Down



Nothing more to this post!

Marty :: 
Here are a few more Post-It Notes my family put up on my birthday.

The first one is from my twelve year old daughter, Savannah.

From Savannah
I am glad to know my daughter appreciates what other people may call "annoying."

The next one is from my nine year old son, Walt.

From Walt
Walt continues to display how his love language is "quality time."

And the last one today is from my lovely wife, Ashley.

From Ashley
My wife's love language is "words of affirmation," but I have found a little "acts of service" don't hurt from time to time. My love language is "quality time" so in order to help her spend quality time with me (late at night watching useless television: currently The Newsroom on HBO) I rub her feet while she stays up two hours later to hang out with me. It's a model that has worked well for us.




Marty :: 
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For those of you who have followed closely, you will remember I posted a few months back about a new song I had written, called "You Can't Trust a Man with an Even Tan." Through a few providential circumstances, I was able to complete the writing of the music side of it and actually debut it live in a show!

The lyrics are all listed below so you can read them and let me know what you think. I am grateful to one of my former students, and master musician/studio owner, Kenny McWilliams (of Archer Avenue Studio) for helping me complete the simple melody. But more importantly, teaching me a simple fact that I didn't know.  I naturally sing in F-Sharp so if he plays the blues riff in F-sharp it sort of sounds like I am actually singing it in the correct key. Who knew?

In the past, I always let the fact that I cannot sing, or even keep time very well, prevent me from performing music in my act. I have now, officially, put all that behind me! Check out the video and lyrics below and let me know what you think.



Read on for full song lyrics as performed in this video (which was the first time the song was ever performed live.)

CHORUS:
You can't trust a man with an even tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,
is any man with an even tan.
-------------------------------------------

(Ladies)
When you're out there looking for mister "right."
Just roll up his sleeve and look for some white.
If his arm's one shade, then don't be dismayed,
To find, he's just trying ----- to get ... sauteed.

------------------------------------------
CHORUS:
You can't trust a man with an even tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,
is any man with an even tan.
------------------------------------------

Even though the lady teachers may drool
seeing even-tan man's converti-bool.
All moms sitting in traffic at grade-school,
Know a real man drops off 6 at car-pool.

-------------------------------------------
CHORUS:
Don't care if you stare at his catamaran
It's impressive I understand.
Remember your Uncle Stan?
He had five wives and an even-tan.
He had five wives and an even-tan.

CHORUS:
So do trust the dude drives a mini-van
He'll take you to the promised land.
He don't give a hoot 'bout his tan.
He's a man who drives a mini-van.
--------------------------------------------

I'm a mini-van man by my own admission,
I'm easy to please, won't take a magician.
All my dreams will have come to fruition,
When I own a Town and Country... Limited Edition.

--------------------------------------

The day finally came when I'd saved enough money
to buy a mini-van for me and my honey
And so I could keep up with the Jones-es,
I had to have the wireless headphones-es.

Went to the dealership but got apprehensive,
Because it turns out, they were really expensive.
So I went online and looked on ebay,
found a guy that would take what I could pay.

but on his website there was no photograph,
so when he told me the color, it just made me laugh.
Before I could ask, he quickly began
He said it was beige... like an even-tan.

-----------------------------------------
CHORUS:
Yes I drive a van that's an even-tan
So we've ended up where we began.
That doesn't make me like your Uncle Stan.
Just 'cuz my van's an even-tan.

CHORUS:
I never would trust an even tan man
Unless that man was Mexican
Or maybe African American
But not if he's Caucasian.
Not if he's Caucasian.

CHORUS:
You can't trust a man with an even-tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,

Is any man
Is any man
Is any man with an even-

Okay I know that was horrible
Stop judging me!
tan.

Marty :: 
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If you missed the explanation what these post-it notes are from, it's pretty simple. My family posted these all over the house on my 40th birthday this year. They are notes letting me know about certain things my family loves about me.

Savannah loves how I can convince people to let our family do special things. At Disney, it was Walt's birthday, so I was able to talk the young assistants at the Toy Story 3-D Shooting game/ride into letting our family get in the fast-pass line even though we didn't have one. This saved us about three hours!

Walt has another thing he loves about me, which is sort of self explanatory as you read his post-it. However, I would like it noted that I have no memory of the things he is referencing in his post-it.

(Note: "Sonny" is Savannah, my 12 year old girl's, nickname around the house.)

While we are at it, instead of wasting two full blog posts on bathroom humor, I am going to go ahead and post another one of Walt's post-its in this post. I have no memory of what he is talking about in this one. I have to assume he made this memory up in his head. Enjoy.

Marty :: 
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For my 40th birthday my family put little "Post-it Notes" everywhere around my house with complimentary messages written on them. Each person used their own handwriting so each of them was obvious who it was from. Each note had a short message on it explaining something that particular person "loved" about me.

I found them to be very encouraging and interesting as they divulged information about how each person actually loves me. My nine year old boy, Walt, has an obvious love language of quality time, while my 12 year old daughter, Savannah, is more a gifts love language.

My wife's love language is words of affirmation, but it was entertaining to me to see what it was about me that she actually "loved."

I have decided to post a few of these over the next couple of weeks. Here are the first few worth discussing.

This one below is from my wife, Ashley.

  

I am glad to know my wife's love for me is genuine!

This one below is from Walt.

Walt loves when "I do video games with him." See how he is a quality time love language, as opposed to my daughter's below.
Savannah loves that I am "good" at video games, and Walt loves that I play the games with him.

This past Christmas we got Skyward Sword, the new Wii Zelda game and we played it as a family. Savannah enjoyed that I was talented enough to defeat the major bosses so we could proceed to the next level each time they got stuck. I think Walt just enjoyed the fact that I was playing with him!

I have a few dozen more of these and I will post them a few at a time each week.





Marty :: 
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Recently, I had the honor of watching my 12 year old daughter, Savannah, hit the game winning homerun in her last regular season fast-pitch softball game. It was after the game that I started pondering the question, How far is too far in terms of experiencing joy for your own child? My conclusion was simple. There is no such thing as too far when it concerns JOY for your own child. However, there is such a thing as being obnoxious to other children's parents, and this is where this video becomes relevant.

Take a look at the video below, and then read my explanation as to why this video is not too far in terms of obnoxiousness toward the other team's parents. At first glance, it will seem pretty over the top and silly, but read the explanation below it to understand exactly where I am coming from.

Over the course of this particular game I made the decision to cordially talk to the opposing team's parents who sat behind the fence on the third base side because every time my daughter came to the plate I wanted to video tape from that side because she bats left-handed.

So, every thirty minutes or so, I would show up to poke my video camera into the fence to video-tape Savannah while she batted. I made small-talk with the other parents sitting there. I found out which kids were theirs and I complimented them when those particular players did well in the game.

By the last inning those parents were expecting me to come over and tape my daughter and they were enjoying the process. On some level, those parents even bought into my plight and were pulling for my daughter to get a hit each time. Savannah had a good game up to the last inning so it was fun going back and forth talking with these particular parents.

Thirty minutes prior to this last at bat shown in the video I actually said to the parents sitting there that if it timed out right, Savannah's next at bat could feasibly be to win the game, and if that happened I warned them that I would lose my mind yelling for her. They laughed at this comment and sort of said something to the effect of,


If that happens, we'll understand.
(Keep in mind, I predicted this could happen while the score was 4 to 0 and Savannah was 7 batters away from batting again going into the last inning!)

So, for those of you that know me and my act, I spend a lot of my stage time making fun of parents of players I used to coach for not being able to judge their own child's athletic ability accurately. This is completely different from what is happening in this video. I have never made fun of a parent of a player who I coached who I saw going crazy when their child did something spectacular. In fact, I was probably running down the sidelines making a fool of myself following their child when it was happening!

I just wanted to clarify the point here. Those are two different examples of strange parent-of-player behavior. The inappropriate behavior that I make fun of on stage is of the parent who thinks their child is better than they really are. The appropriate behavior you see in this video is of a parent experiencing complete and total joy over their child's success. These two similarly insane reactions are completely different on the scale of appropriateness. This is my point.

The joy you hear in my voice during this video is joy brought about over the course of a twelve week season from dozens of conversations with my daughter about how much she actually wanted to just finally hit a home-run. Joy brought about from multiple solo trips with my daughter out to the field to throw batting practice all the while seeing balls fly off her bat while I was pitching that actually would have been probable home-runs, and then watching her during the games get singles and doubles but never quite hit a ball in the gap for a home-run.

This joy is coming after I sat with my daughter at the 4A Fast-Pitch State Championship game just one week earlier and watched the best softball I have ever seen played live, and heard my daughter say,

"Dad, I would never be able to hit the ball to the outfield like these girls, because all my hits are grounders."
To which I replied,
"One day soon, honey, you will get a hit like you get in the batting cage, trust me."

This joy is completely pure. You see, unlike the parents I make fun of on stage for living vicariously through their own child's experiences and never accurately judging their own child's abilities, I was not mentally running the bases with my daughter during this hit. I WAS WATCHING! I was geeking out FOR MY DAUGHTER! I was giggling inside knowing that for the rest of her life she would remember one night at North Springs Park when she hit the game winning home-run and no matter what happens after this moment, that fact will NEVER CHANGE.

Honestly, I don't even know if my daughter wants to pursue a serious softball future. I don't even care. I don't even think SHE knows. All I know is she has fun when she plays and she tries her best to do what the coaches have taught her. I know she works really hard and deserved to have good things happen to her because of that. But I also know how sports work, and they don't always reward the hard work in a proportionate way. Just because a player puts in the time and effort, especially at age 12, doesn't necessarily mean good things will come that player's way. I try and teach my kids that the hard work makes good things more likely, but it doesn't mean they are guaranteed.

I was overwhelmed with a very specific message in my head while my daughter was running the bases. That message was simply,


"She'll always have this, she'll always have this, she'll always have this."

With a small part of me thinking,


"Slide, slide, slide!"

I think that is something the parents I make fun of on stage miss. They get so caught up in what the future may hold for their child if their child performs well, that they miss the fact that their child is actually playing the game right then in front of them!

Whether my daughter plays softball ever again or plays softball for the rest of her life, I won't care, as long as she is playing or not playing because of what SHE WANTS TO DO. But no matter what happens, I know she will always have this one night. This one night when it all came together for her like she had hoped. A night when she accomplished even more than she thought she was capable of ever doing.

As a parent you always wonder if your child gets it when it comes to complicated things like competitive sports and all the dynamics that play into that experience. I have true evidence that my Savannah gets it. In the car ride home after this game the one thing she said that made me know she gets it was this.

"Dad, when I was coming around second base and saw the ball still in the outfield and I knew I was going to get a home-run, I just started giggling and couldn't stop... like giggling out loud... like if you filmed me running, you will see me giggling."

As a parent, it's not the memory of your daughter's home-run that will last a life-time, but it's hearing your daughter tell you she was giggling uncontrollably out-loud while rounding second.

That will be what I will remember. Forever.




Marty :: 
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Last night I had the honor and privilege of providing the opening 15 minutes of comedy at a fantastic show put on by Steve Simeone and Pauly Shore. Yes, that Pauly Shore. I would like to put it on the record that Steve Simeone ripped the room in half for twenty-five straight minutes with his hilariously retold stories of his childhood growing up in the 80's and 90's (when Pauly Shore was famous.)

I would also like to put it on the record that Pauly Shore was two hundred times funnier than I thought he would be. Also, afterwards he was actually very gracious and cool to the hundreds of folks that waited after the show to take pictures with him.

But I wanted to focus this blog entry on how last night defined for me how I realized that I had "finally made it in comedy."

Afterwards, the line of people to get autographs from the Weeeaaazuul was pretty long. The Clarion Hotel wasn't perfectly equipped to handle the "Paulasteria" that broke out after the show. Never fear, Comedian Marty Simpson is here! As chaos was breaking lose in the building, I decided it would make sense to have one central person taking photographs. I offered this to Mr. Shore at the beginning of the madness and he just looked at me like I was a leper who wasn't buying a T-Shirt and he brushed me off. Then I think Steve Simeone whispered to him, "He's our opener from tonight... he's okay..." To which Mr. Shore promptly responded, "Hey, opener dude, yeah, you, the tall bald dude, you take the pictures."
The Weasel with his megaphone.
Then the Weasel shouted into the megaphone, which was mysteriously at his table, for everyone to form a line and give their cameras to "Opener Dude" so he could take their pictures. I have never been more honored to serve my community than last night when I got to do it alongside the pride of 1992, Pauly Shore.
I am guessing this women wished she had paid closer attention while her picture was being taken.
It was a pleasure meeting the talented, Steve Simeone. I would say it was an honor to meet Mr. Shore, but technically I never got a chance to meet him. I did, however, take a few hundred pictures of him with other people's phones! I also earned the nick-name, "Opener dude," which everyone started calling me.
And that's when you know you've made it in comedy! When you are the guy who the headliner trusts enough to take the pictures of his fans you know you have officially made it in comedy. I am happy to finally realize my dream.


Marty :: 
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Recently, I have been working on the lyrics to a country song. I decided to run these lyrics as stage material last night at great little open-mic here in Columbia, South Carolina at Conunundrum. The song lyrics went over better than I expected them to with the hipster cool young audience. (Honestly, the "fresh out of college folks" are not my wheel-house if you know what I mean.) But last night something in these lyrics resonated with this crowd. It was a fun time.

Then, without me knowing it, the band started reprising my song on stage during their next music set. I immediately stopped them. I think they thought I was mad. However, I stopped them so I could record them doing it and post it on my blog.

Part of the way I pitched the song as stage material was to explain how I can't sing and I haven't written the melody yet, but I wanted to run some of the rhymes by the audience to see if they thought the lyrics were funny or not. I explained how I pictured the finished song being like a Toby Keith song akin to "Red Solo Cup," which would allow me to talk the verses and have someone talented sing the hook.

Well the folksy, awesome, "Post-Timey String Band" put their own spin on it five minutes after I ran the material, and it was just fun to see my written words take life. I realize many of you will wonder why I was excited enough about this to post it on my blog, but understand I have zero musical ability. So just seeing something that I wrote take the form of a song was a near religious experience for me.

Here is the video of The Post-Timey String Band singing my song. Noteworthy: The melody they were singing was actually one of their own songs -- but still, it's crazy cool either way.



You Can't Trust a Man with an Even Tan
by Marty Simpson

I will be posting the lyrics to the song soon, so make sure to check back and give me your suggestions!



Marty :: 

My Greatest Honor So Far...

Friday, January 06, 2012 3 comments
I recently was informed that I had won a very distinguished honor. A copy of the letter I received is attached to this blog below and can be clicked to magnify it. Here is a transcript of the letter. Needless to say, I was blown away by the gesture that the N.A.P.W. made by selecting me to represent Blythewood, South Carolina in their organization.

The letter begins...


Dear Marty Simpson,

It is my pleasure to inform you that you were recently chosen to represent Blythewood, SC as a new member of the of the National Association of Professional Women, your 2011/2012 membership has been approved!

Yes, you read that correctly! It goes on.



Please be sure to verify your featured profile at:
www.Marty------------.com (removed actual link)


When I clicked the link I was given the opportunity to pay 197 dollars for the "privilege" of joining. Oh but wait, it goes on.


The NAPW highlights and features the country's most accomplished women in over 200 industries and professions. [ and evidently a few select men! ] We provide an exclusive and powerful networking forum for our members to communicate and successfully achieve social and career development.

Inclusion is a privilege shared by thousands of professional women throughout America each year.


AND BY ME! I am so touched!

Click the picture below to see a larger, readable version of their letter to me.




Marty :: 

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