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Showing posts with label Adventures With Marty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adventures With Marty. Show all posts

My Daughter, the Unlikely Pageant Girl...

Wednesday, January 28, 2015 4 comments
If you only watch the video of the pageant you won't quite understand why Savannah is so emotional. She would probably not agree 100% with my explanation below about what exactly caused her to be so emotional, but I am confident what I describe below played a pretty large part in it. So I suggest you read the entire article before watching the video, but it's the internet, so do whatever you want to do.

So my daughter wanted to enter the 2015 Miss Blythewood High School Pageant. This came as a pretty huge shock to me as a her dad, because she had never been the type of girl that I would describe as a "pageant girl." She was sassy, attractive, athletic, and really girly in the playful sense, but not in the traditional sense, if that even makes sense? What I mean is basically, she can rock a hair bow and look really pretty while simultaneously batting over .500 on the JV Softball team, and she doesn't own a dress but she loves fashion. Can you picture what I'm talking about?

Not really a "Pageant Girl..."
Well in 7th and 8th grade she had planned to be in her middle school's "Talent Show" rapping and doing the worm. She had been selected through the audition process both years, and both years had to back out at the last minute because a rained out softball game was being made-up on the night of the "Talent Show." (We are not pyscho-sports-parents so we were fine with her missing a practice to participate in the "Talent Show," but even she didn't want to miss an actual game.) So both years she was pretty bummed about missing her chance to rap (and do the worm.)

Savannah's back - Before and After
Over the summer after her 8th grade year she was scheduled to have scoliosis corrective surgery. This was a HUGE ordeal. It would turn out to be a 9-hour surgery and she had 13 vertebrae fused to two titanium rods in her back. Recovery time before she could even swing a bat again would be six to eight months. She was an amazing patient and came through with flying colors. She was in the hospital bed for five days and then in her bed for three weeks. Movement came back slowly but surely and steadily she got "sort of" back to normal. She gained an inch and a half of height through the surgery.

One of the main things Savannah was so upset about having the surgery was not the long recovery or the idea that her back muscles would literally be cut in half to perform the surgery, but that she was told by the doctor that because of the titanium rods in her back she would never be able to do the "worm" again. It was this news that gave Savannah the most angst. The doctor said she had too many vertebrae fused and that she wouldn't have the flexibility to do it.

This hit Savannah pretty hard. Harder than I thought it would honestly. When she teared up upon the doctors words, at first I chalked it up to an emotional 14-year-old girl just being sad about having major surgery, but over time I realized she was very serious about a specific regret concerning the specific inability to perform the worm. It was like in her mind doing the worm represented her childhood freedom. It's hard to put in words but her regret about it was palpable.

Savannah was determined to prove all of this wrong. So having a strong-willed child when she's a young little girl can be exhausting at times but as she grows up into the wonderful young lady she's steadily becoming that same strong will served her well.

9th grade rolled around. She attended every voluntary softball work-out that was on the schedule even though she could literally only sit on a bucket and watch the other girls as she occasionally ran an errand for the new coach. Five months went by and the doctor finally told her she could start throwing a little. Then an announcement in school was made that any girl interested in performing in the Miss Blythewood Pageant needed to audition that week.

Savannah came home excited and asked if she could do it. My wife and I said, "Of course." Thirty girls or more auditioned and only ten of them were selected to compete in the Miss Grand Talent portion of the pageant. Oddly enough, not every girl in the Miss Blythewood Pageant performs in the "talent" portion of the competition. (Don't ask, I don't know the reasoning.) So Savannah would finally get her chance to rap in front of her classmates. She was thrilled. When she told her softball coach, the coach immediately started calling her, "Pageant Girl."

Well in mid-December we went to the doctor and he told her because of her x-rays and her physical recovery and flexibility he was lifting all restrictions on her athletically. She could finally practice full speed. She was ecstatic! Of course, she didn't realize what this actually meant. It meant going to practice with a weakened back and arm muscles from the major surgery and not being able to throw but about fifty percent as well as she could just six months earlier. It also meant she could barely swing a bat at first. This was another blow to her morale.

But then it happened. She and I were goofing around and she said, "Dr. Piehl said no athletic restrictions, right?"

And I responded, "Yes, that's right."

Then she said, "I wonder if I can do the worm?"

And I said, "Let's not find out."

I was picturing the $209,000 bill from the hospital that the insurance paid all but $3,000 of, but she was picturing the Miss Blythewood Pageant! Well three days later she came running down the stairs screaming about how she could still do the worm! We were all very happy.

Then we had the conversation about how she wanted to write her bio a little differently from everyone else. She said everyone just usually lists a bunch of accomplishments and in her mind it just seemed a little boring. She wrote her bio (exactly the way you see it in the video) and showed it to me and asked, "Dad, what do you think of this?"

I read it and said, "I love it. I think it's you all the way, honey. And rule one is if you're being authentic to yourself, then any decision you make like this is the right one."

And I've learned one thing about my daughter. She is never going to be afraid to be herself. We as a family are just so blessed that her true self is such a beautiful kid on the inside.

Maybe I didn't think of my little girl as a "Pageant Girl" but it turns out the judges of the Miss Blythewood Pageant disagreed. One of those judges was Miss South Carolina 2014, so I guess she knows more about "Pageant Girls" than I do! Oh and one last thing. You can follow my daughter on Instagram at www.instagram.com/savvysonny22 or on Twitter at www.twitter.com/savvysonny22.

EPILOGUE

Below is a video of Savannah "being herself" in the Pageant during the "Question and Answer" portion of the competition. The instructions were for the girls to wear an outfit that reflected something about your personality. As you can see, Savannah has no problem being herself.



And one more interesting video of Savannah impromptu rapping a little in the 7th grade at a softball tournament when the song comes over the loud speakers. This is two years before the Miss Blythewood Pageant.




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A Little Perspective on Performing...

Monday, March 10, 2014 1 comments
The following is Marty Simpson's perspective on performing.

A few years ago I struggled with how to "break into" doing comedy for a living. I was very concerned and motivated to figure out a way to increase my performance fee and book as many gigs as possible in order to make a living doing comedy. At some point around three years ago I let all of that go and started focusing on a simple principle. I decided I would work on "being a blessing" instead of searching for one.

So that is how I have continued for the past three years and it has brought me great joy. There are many stories I could relate via a blog but none have been as encouraging as the one that happened this past week in a small town named Lancaster, South Carolina, just south of the larger metropolis of Charlotte, North Carolina.

As a comedian, I have this little cynical voice in my head whenever I'm driving to a small-town gig which predicts how well the show will go based on how far off the interstate the show actually is. The farther off the interstate, typically the tougher the crowd. This show was 40 miles from the interstate exit.

I went in with very low expectations, but a little whisper in my ear reminded me as I walked through the gravel parking lot into the venue, "Be the blessing tonight, don't worry about receiving one." So I calmly prayed to God to use my comedy to help bless the people in the audience tonight, and I meant it.

As I sat for dinner pre-show with the pastor of this little church he relayed story after story of the things that God was doing through and to this church. Dozens of his people came over and discussed things with him that let me know this little ministry was full of good folks. I started to get more and more optimistic about this show the longer I spent time with these people.

Marty Simpson Comedy The show was great. It was a perfect storm of snappy customized crowd work for a spirit filled crowd who was ready to receive it matched with my normal material which was just perfect for this particular crowd. I had a blast. It truly was a great experience for me and I felt blessed by the crowd.

Then after the show as people came to my merch-table to talk and what not, it happened. Faye Putnam gave me what I think is probably the best word of encouragement I have ever received as a comedian. She very calmly stated that her husband had passed away just one month earlier and that he loved stand-up comedy.


Then she said,

I lost my husband on December 20, 2013 and he would have so enjoyed your show. My husband had a funny laugh and during your show, the entire night, I could hear my him laughing so hard that I could see him rolling in the floor. Marty that did my heart a world of good and made me feel like myself again. Thank you so much.

And here I was just two hours earlier thinking since I drove 37 miles on a two-lane road that the show tonight wasn't going to go well. Shame on me.

In the comedy world we use terms about how well we did that are violent. Usually the more violent the better in terms of laughter. So to say someone is "destroying the room" or "he murdered that crowd" would mean the comic was doing really well. "Killing" is another common way to describe doing well in comedy.

So the irony here is I was able to do the opposite of what we would typically describe this show as. I indeed "killed." But this show was such a blessing to one woman that she was able to envision her husband, who recently passed away, actually AT THE SHOW and enjoying himself. To hear that from Mrs. Putnam was truly a blessing to me.

So, by concentrating on bringing the blessing with me, instead of searching for MY blessing, God was able to use my comedy to bless me anyway. That makes me happy.

Marty Simpson

Marty Simpson :: Comedian & Master Storyteller

Christian Comedian, Thor Ramsey (Bananas, Thou Shalt Laugh) said after seeing Marty perform,
I haven't laughed that hard since I saw Brian Regan the very first time.
See Marty Simpson's full bio page here.

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The New "Marty Simpson Signature Series" of Under Armour Shirts

Tuesday, March 12, 2013 0 comments
Check out my latest product. It's my very own series of Under Armour shirts. They are in all the bookstores, and at Jewelry Warehouse. I know my signature is a little bit hard to read, but if you look closely you should be able to make out the M a r t y  S i m p s o n.

I know what you're all thinking. How did Marty get his own autographed series of Under Armour shirts? Well it's really simple. Just have an autograph that is fancy-smancy enough to be mistaken for Steve Spurrier's autograph... that's how.



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The Price of Greatness...

Wednesday, March 06, 2013 0 comments
Recently, my 10 year old son, Walt, performed in his school's talent show, "Aviator Idol." (Named that way because his school is the "Round Top Aviators, - Where Learning Takes Flight.") For the show, he decided he wanted to rap Vanilla Ice's, "Ice Ice Baby," so I said, "sure."

At some point during his hours of practicing he said to me,

You know what would be really cool, Dad? If when I said, 'turn off the lights and I'll glow,' the lights went off and I had cool glow sticks stuck on me and I really glowed.

I immediately said,

I will make this happen.

I realize the rest of this story might make me sound like a "stage dad" who lives vicariously through his son, and to that I say you're missing the big picture. The big picture is that I'm a stage-dad who lives vicariously through his son AND daughter, but this story is only about my son.

I suggest watching the performance before continuing to read the rest of this as the remainder references many things in the actual video.



I wanted to write about this to let other parents out there know how much work is involved in a simple thing like creating a show-stopping performance at your 10 year old's elementary school talent show. Yes, that's why I'm writing this. As a service to other parents. Not to brag about my child's accomplishments... not at all. (But did you watch the video above?)

There are many moving parts in this equation. Some of them are outlined below, then elaborated upon below that. You may think these seem far fetched or ridiculous, but to that I say, each point below represents a few loose coins in a change purse, that when totaled, equals the price of greatness.

Some of the things that were orchestrated by Walt and me, in no particular order were:

  • Download the karaoke track
  • Remove all references to sex, drugs, alcohol, and guns.
  • Re-write lines that couldn't be edited out because of the song's structure.
  • Memorize lyrics.
  • Find great glow sticks.
  • Tape the glow sticks to Walt in a strategic, artistically cool way.
  • Choreograph dance steps to accentuate the glowing.
  • Make sure the auditorium could be blacked out all the way so the glowing effect would look amazing.
  • Make sure the light board operator was savvy enough to make the black-out happen at the right times.
  • Make sure we got it well videotaped so I could blog about it afterwards.
  • Go to the doctor and get a prednisone the morning of the show because Walt had a seal-bark cough and couldn't talk at 7:00 am.
  • Force Walt to take the most disgusting tasting prednisone in the world and watch him writhe in agony as he swallowed it in the McDonalds parking lot.
  • Watch Walt shove four McNuggets in his mouth at once to chase the prednisone.
  • Buy herbal tea and honey to sooth his throat all day while we played PS3 with each other instead of going to school.
  • Prioritize the talent show ahead of the school day so his voice would get the rest it needed to be able to perform, but still get a doctor's excuse.

If Round Top Elementary administrators are reading this blog, then I'm only kidding about those last two. (Also my wife had nothing to do with it either way... she had already gone to work before anything was decided.) If you are not from the administration of Round Top, then those last two are true.

There are other steps but this is a good start. If the above list seems too daunting for you, then just realize the following truth: Even if your kid is the most talented, he may never get the show-stopping moment he deserves. It takes more than just talent. It takes a border-line psychotic parent to be there along the way. From the look of the overall show, I would say there were definitely some other border-line psychotic parents out there because many of the acts were outstanding!

Below are some of the above bullet points with longer explanations.

Download Karaoke Track
I am a huge fan of www.karaoke-version.com. The reason I like this site so much is they allow you to download multiple versions of your track. I downloaded three versions. One with all the instruments and vocals, one with all the instruments and only the back-up vocals, and then one with only the instruments. That way I could create one version for Walt's iPod so he could start memorizing it with the lead vocals, but I also had the freedom to edit verse lengths and chorus structures so we could remove the bad lyrics.

The editing of the multiple karaoke tracks necessary for rehearsal and performance probably took three hours. You might say, "Marty, that's crazy." To that I say, "It's a small price to pay for greatness."

Remove All References to Bad Stuff
"Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis," just didn't seem appropriate for this elementary school performance, so we needed to change that. Also the second verse is full of "gunshots, ranged out like a bell, I grabbed my nine, all I heard was shells (grammar error in lyric, not my writing) falling on the concrete real fast, jumped in the car, slammed on the gas."

So I told Walt, we had to remove any reference to gun violence and barely dressed women. He was fine with that. That's why we cut right to the chorus after "Beachfront Avenue!"

Re-Write Some Lines
At the end of the song we couldn't just cut two lines as it would create awkwardness in the run to the last chorus. The original lines use a swear word and a strong reference to drugs. "Other D.J.'s say, D***! If my rhymes were a drug I'd sell'em by the gram!"

These lines became "Other D.J.'s say, Wow! My rhymes are so good all the people will Bow!" Which Walt wrote himself.

We also changed the last line which reads, "Magnitized by the mic while I kick my juice," to "Magnetized by the mic, while I drink orange juice," because, honestly, I didn't know what "kick my juice" meant, but it just sounded bad enough to warrant the change.

You may say, "Marty, all this editing is so much work and trouble," to which I say, "It's a small price to pay for greatness."

Find Great Glow Sticks
This was easier than I thought. Wal-mart. Total glow stick budget including the ones used at rehearsals... $6.23. Seriously. I used the self-checkout lines to avoid the anxiety attack which is induced by interacting with any employee at Wal-Mart.

Tape the Glow Sticks to Him
This was easy too, but only because I own Gaffer's Tape. Gaff tape is so awesome for clothing because it doesn't leave that nasty residue all over you like duct tape does.

As for the design of the deal, we just stood in front of the mirror and taped them on one at a time trying to make it look like Tron pretty much. We had cracked a few the day before at rehearsal and had confidence that after they were cracked they would glow for at least six hours. This was an important part of the research. Also, in hindsight, Walt wishes he wore a black shirt instead of the white shirt. In our small bathroom the white shirt didn't show up in the pictures as seen below. But on stage the white shirt did show up. Oh well... no one's perfect.


The Most Important Piece in the Puzzle: The Light Board Operator
Instead of finding out if the light board operator was savvy enough to pull this off, I decided to go a different route. I volunteered to run the light board myself for the entire show. When I was a coach and teacher I never liked parents who brought me problems and then expected me to solve them. I loved the parents who brought me solutions as they presented problems! Therefore I decided to be a "solution" to the folks running the talent show. I knew they needed someone to run the board. My son needed it to be perfect. So I volunteered. Easy-peezy. Small price to pay for greatness.

Make Sure the Auditorium Could Be Blacked Out All the Way
This one was also easy. Just make sure your school has the coolest Vice Principal in the world. One willing to perform with his own son in the show and bring the house down. (I'm not the vice principal, even though it could sound like that based on this article.) The vice principal was the fantastic Mr. Sherman, who made sure all the house lights were turned out for me! (And he did so about fifteen minutes after his own standing ovation he got for performing with his son. The performance included him dancing "gangnam style" because his son pressed a button on a remote control! Mr. Sherman understands the price of greatness.)

Prednisone and Staying Home From School
Walt woke up with a horrible seal bark and could barely breath, much less talk. He gets croupy like this from time to time and I know the drill. He usually can't talk really well for a day or two. He rarely misses school for it, because he doesn't run a fever, but this time something had to be done.

My family pediatrician is amazing. I am not going to post her name and links because I didn't discuss this with her, but if you ask me who she is I will tell you! She explained to me that prednisone didn't take effect for 12 hours after taking it, but that if I wanted my son to have it she would write the script for it. AWESOMENESS! She went on to tell me that her own daughter swears it gave her voice back to her two hours after taking it, even though all the medical books say otherwise!

I have had shows when I had no voice because of a horrible sinus infection at noon, but my buddy, who is an ER doc calls the local pharmacy in Nashville (or wherever) with a horse's dose of steroids, and I can then talk like a champ six hours later. So I know the toils of the road and I wanted my son to have prednisone!

Prioritize The Talent Show Ahead of the School Day
This one is probably strange to some of you reading this, but I am serious. I believe school is a vehicle to instill something inside our children. Something that will last a lifetime. Maybe the history lessons or math equations stay inside their heads and maybe they don't, but the overall experience of attending school will stick with a child forever if done correctly. And let me tell you, the folks at Round Top Elementary in Blythewood, South Carolina, do it correctly!

Here is how I view it. My child has spent the last month of his life walking around the house after completing his homework rapping the lyrics to this song. He has spent every ride to baseball practice listening to his iPod play the edited karaoke track and performing the entire song for me in the car multiple times per ride. He has worked for a few hours planning his costume and orchestrating the glow stick idea. He has invested a ton of his emotional well-being into this ordeal.

I think at this point, this talent show has become significantly more important than attending school. I would never let my kid cut school just because he was in the show, but if going to school on this day possibly jeopardized his ability to perform, then you're dang right I will keep him home with me!

It All Came Together
It all came together for me in the McDonalds parking lot the morning before the show when Walt was forcing down 12 milliliters of liquid prednisone. Which, by the way, tastes like a mixture of sand, crushed dramamine pills, chalk, black licorice, liver, kitty litter, and boiled egg yolks.

As he teared up from the sheer smell and gutted down the last few sips, he coughed several times, jammed a few McNuggets in his throat, chewed them up and then drank a huge swig of sweet tea. When he could talk he said, "The price of greatness, right?"

I said, "Yes... yes it is."

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I Get Paid More than Money...

Monday, March 04, 2013 1 comments
Sometimes when a comedian performs, he gets an additional payment he wasn't counting on. For example, I always take the free food offered by a venue. That way I feel like I got paid more. You know? And honestly, if it saves a 15 dollar tab at a place for wings and cheese sticks, it actually is like getting paid more.

One church I recently performed at took this to an entirely new level.  When I was on my way to the car, this nice lady asked if I wanted to take some left over red velvet cake with me. Out of habit, I blurted out, "Of course."

Below is what she came back with from the kitchen. And yes... yes I ate it all on the four hour drive home... in fifteen minute increments.

 



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So I Started Working Out...

Monday, February 25, 2013 0 comments
So I recently started working out. After many months of doing the same work-out (pictured below) with no results, I decided to start really working out.

 

When I walk and jog, I really start sweating. This caused me to start a new blog topic... "What Marty's Sweat Blots Look Like."

I see a koala bear. Let me know if you disagree.

 

 Look for the new series... "Marty's Sweat Blots," coming soon.

 .

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My Live Tweet of the Grammys 2013

Wednesday, February 13, 2013 0 comments

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I love me a good live event awards show! I usually take to Twitter during them, so if you get notifications on my Twitter account, I apologize!

Below is a highlight recap of some of what I tweeted during the show. Each tweet has some explanation, or a picture, or a video to put it in context. Keep in mind, each tweet was done live during the event. (The times on the twitter archive are off by 7 hours because of Twitter's archive service not being in the same time zone that I am in.)

They are chronological starting with the earliest tweets and going to the latest.








Tweet as Carly Rae Jepsen was recognized as the singer for "Call Me Maybe."







Scroll down in the frame to watch Adele's speech.









Tweeted as I watched Fun perform their song, "Carry On." Special effects included live rain on them while they performed... seriously. The video below should start right at the raining. If not, scrub to the 2:30 mark.












This was tweeted as I watched the below performance by the amazing Mumford and Sons. Skip to 2 minutes into it right where their heads start bobbing (It should automatically.) Or listen to an amazing song by Mumford and Sons.






The genius producers of the Grammys hyped Johnny Depp for over an hour. Literally every bounce to commercial started with, "And coming up, Johnny Depp to introduce Mumford and Sons."

Below is his entire appearance on the Grammys. It's only 19 seconds. Nothing else.

And I have two words for you Mr. Depp, "CUFF LINKS."





For some reason the Grammy producers thought it would be cool to start Timberlake's performance in black and white. I guess because it's a throw-back song. I tweeted this after Jay-Z took the stage.












To all my followers who have notifications turned on for me, I apologize for my Grammy bananza. Just know, I only really do this on live event award shows, and things like the Super Bowl. So you can turn your turn notifications back on... at least until the Oscars.






This was just as simple obversation from a Les Mis die hard fan! Below is my own version of One Day More, filmed with my brother and life-long friend, Will Hall, circa 1991.






This one is pretty self explanatory I think.

Noteworthy: This applies to comedians as well. Just ask @AKLAUGHS.



I heard these guys doing this song and just assumed it was named "No Church in a While." Turns out, it's "No Church in the Wild." Who knew? Not me.





This was the stand-out moment for me. Jay-Z made me laugh out loud when he said this into the mic in front of eveyrone about dude's hate shown below.
Image goes here.





Turns out this is a Bud Light commercial theme. Apologies to Bud folks. Here is a Youtube video of an example of one of them. I think the Sitar guy could be a subject of one of these, and I'm serious.






This one is also self-explanatory. This commercial creeps me out. The only way it could be worse is if Charlie Sheen were still on CBS.




I couldn't find a picture of this, but if you saw it you know what I mean.




If you don't understand this one, ask your black friend to explain it to you. I realize he may not be with you right now while you read this, but when you see him next time at work... ask him.




It was just always funny to me that after a person completely murdered their number, they were usually forced to then introduce someone joining them who was a much bigger star. Was it just me?




Tweeted this one during Jack White's performance.





The dude who won "BEST NEW ARTIST" literally said the phrase, "We've been doing this 12 years, so thanks!"




My daughter would not appreciate me making fun of One Direction, so I'll just leave this one alone. You can judge it on face value in the picture below.






This one should be self-explanatory. If not, google the phrase "Kanye and Taylor Swift."




When Prince announced the winners they acted more excited to shake Prince's hand than they did win the Grammy.




Just an actual observation.




All-time worst Grammy moment. The idea that this now shows up in a Youtube search next to "Tom Hanks Winning Oscar for Forrest Gump" just makes me sad.




Also, the internet is all a blaze with posts about how bad he sung the song. I am not referring to that at all. I'm talking about a dude singing a song to Forrest Gump. Seriously?

Here it is, if you can stand it.






Another self-explanatory one, I hope.




Video below which inspired the above tweet. Skip forward to minute 3:40 to see what I was talking about (If it doesn't automatically.)





Except during The Oscars... The Emmys... The Golden Globes... and probably The Super Bowl.

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You Can't Trust a Man with an Even Tan, But You Can Trust a Man That Drives a Mini-Van

Saturday, March 31, 2012 0 comments
Recently, I have been working on the lyrics to a country song. I decided to run these lyrics as stage material last night at great little open-mic here in Columbia, South Carolina at Conunundrum. The song lyrics went over better than I expected them to with the hipster cool young audience. (Honestly, the "fresh out of college folks" are not my wheel-house if you know what I mean.) But last night something in these lyrics resonated with this crowd. It was a fun time.

Then, without me knowing it, the band started reprising my song on stage during their next music set. I immediately stopped them. I think they thought I was mad. However, I stopped them so I could record them doing it and post it on my blog.

Part of the way I pitched the song as stage material was to explain how I can't sing and I haven't written the melody yet, but I wanted to run some of the rhymes by the audience to see if they thought the lyrics were funny or not. I explained how I pictured the finished song being like a Toby Keith song akin to "Red Solo Cup," which would allow me to talk the verses and have someone talented sing the hook.

Well the folksy, awesome, "Post-Timey String Band" put their own spin on it five minutes after I ran the material, and it was just fun to see my written words take life. I realize many of you will wonder why I was excited enough about this to post it on my blog, but understand I have zero musical ability. So just seeing something that I wrote take the form of a song was a near religious experience for me.

Here is the video of The Post-Timey String Band singing my song. Noteworthy: The melody they were singing was actually one of their own songs -- but still, it's crazy cool either way.



You Can't Trust a Man with an Even Tan
by Marty Simpson

I will be posting the lyrics to the song soon, so make sure to check back and give me your suggestions!

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My Greatest Honor So Far...

Friday, January 06, 2012 3 comments
I recently was informed that I had won a very distinguished honor. A copy of the letter I received is attached to this blog below and can be clicked to magnify it. Here is a transcript of the letter. Needless to say, I was blown away by the gesture that the N.A.P.W. made by selecting me to represent Blythewood, South Carolina in their organization.

The letter begins...


Dear Marty Simpson,

It is my pleasure to inform you that you were recently chosen to represent Blythewood, SC as a new member of the of the National Association of Professional Women, your 2011/2012 membership has been approved!

Yes, you read that correctly! It goes on.



Please be sure to verify your featured profile at:
www.Marty------------.com (removed actual link)


When I clicked the link I was given the opportunity to pay 197 dollars for the "privilege" of joining. Oh but wait, it goes on.


The NAPW highlights and features the country's most accomplished women in over 200 industries and professions. [ and evidently a few select men! ] We provide an exclusive and powerful networking forum for our members to communicate and successfully achieve social and career development.

Inclusion is a privilege shared by thousands of professional women throughout America each year.


AND BY ME! I am so touched!

Click the picture below to see a larger, readable version of their letter to me.

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Coolest 9 Year Old Boy's Birthday Party Ever

Monday, September 26, 2011 0 comments
Ever hear of "backyard football?" Well, probably not played like this!

This is an instance when having a comedian as a dad comes in a little handy. Walt told me he wanted me to have an official football game party for his birthday. He said he wanted to kick extra points and have lines painted on the field. Well I took it one full step further by getting the microphone and amplifier I use for local gigs and downloading all the sweet college football music from Youtube.com and blasting it out in the yard while I called the game like Al Michaels.

Oh yeah, then at the suggestion of my wife's close friend, we dumped a cooler of water and ice on him as we said, "Happy Birthday!"



Here four videos below, including one where Walt gets dumped.



Walt gets dumped at the end of this video.



Just more fun stuff on this video.



Savannah scores her touchdown versus the boys in this video.

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Best Way to Get an Autograph in the Mob... Be Irresistibly Cute

Friday, July 29, 2011 0 comments
The American Idol Tour 2011 was a terrific show for the entire family! Seriously! Here is a short video chronicling my son, Walt's journey of getting James Durbin's autograph. Click the continue reading link after viewing the video for more insights on what actually happened.



We waited by these doors for about an hour for the first Idol to come out, and it was not James. But Nayima is beautiful in person. Next was Casey, which was a lot of fun as everyone went crazy.

Then a sort of drunk woman pushed her way up to beside us (as we were crammed against mobs of teenage girls already trying to force their way to get close enough to the railing to get an autograph.)

Then James came out and everyone went crazy. Walt got on my shoulders and stayed there for about 20 minutes as James made his way down the long line of folks. As he got closer I could hear him saying, "No, sorry, I don't do pictures with people in them." But he was really cool about signing stuff.

That is why you can hear me sort of get bossy with "crazy-lady" as she tries to dominate James as he comes by. Walt was sitting on my shoulders with his bandana sticking out his back pants just like James wears it and had his fo-hawk all done up and everything.

The video clearly shows James seeing Walt and then taking the bandana and signing it and giving it back, while simultaneously he remains nice to "crazy-lady" as I try to make sure she doesn't prevent our time from happening!

American Idol Rocks!

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Yard-Work at the Simpson Household

Sunday, June 12, 2011 2 comments
I use different tactics to motivate my children to help with yard work. I said to Savannah (my eleven year old girl) and Walton (my eight year old boy), "Hey kids, I will let you help with the yard-work today if you promise I can point the electric blower at your face for a few pictures. They could not resist! And neither could I.

Click the continue reading button to see more photos.

My son, Walt. He just made Coaches Pitch All-Stars, so look for an upcoming blog discussing the  top 7 Truths of Rec League Coaches Pitch Baseball.









My daughter, Savannah. She is the main one that loves doing this. She laughs hysterically even talking about it.

My wife wanted a piece of the action!

And so did I!


Wait until you see what we do when we mow the grass!




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My Kids Know How To Play the Odds... Sort of...

Sunday, May 29, 2011 0 comments
Isn't it hard to watch that annoying family at the amusement park walking around all happy and elated like they just won the lottery. You know the family I am talking about? I hate that family.

They are carrying their prizes around on their shoulders or in a baby carriage because the Spongebob they won is larger than a life-size Incredible Hulk! The cute little happy children are laughing and giggling, and it seems like they know something about the universe that they are keeping secret from the rest us.

As they skip past you, you cannot help but find yourself holding back the urge to thrust your plastic spork from your warm melted ice cream into their temples. Well, I am proud to say that I am finally over that struggle. Mostly, because my family was THAT FAMILY! And it changed everything for me!



I took my two kids, Walt (8 years old) and Savannah (11 years old) to Frankie's Fun Park in Irmo, South Carolina. It was a magical day of go-karts, laser-tag and rock-climbing.


But the coolest part was we were finally THE OTHER family! The Simpson Unit was finally that annoying family that has so many tickets that they could use them as cover in a hail storm!

It happened after we had already had an unbelievably awesome day zooming around in go-karts and scaling huge rock walls to the applause of others watching. Okay, the others watching consisted of me and Savannah clapping for Walt, but applause is applause! (It would still keep Tinkerbell alive!)

As we were leaving, Savannah and Walt begged me to play some of the money-sucking trap games and for some strange reason, I agreed to let them play. I did so out of an obligation to teach them at a young age that all these games are sick twisted pranks that computer hackers play on small children as payback for all the hard times they were given growing up as nerds. My kids weren't willing to worry about all that. They just wanted to push their money into slots and spin stuff.

I went into my speech about how we were only going to spend 20 dollars total on these games, and I would rather go to the store and buy them 20 dollars worth of toys. However, they insisted that they could win and that would make it worth it.

I smugly got 20 dollars worth of plays put on our little miniature card and swiped the first 3 dollar game on Wheel of Fortune. We got the first word correctly on two spins and were awarded 12 tickets! Enough to buy one piece of bubble gum! I looked at Savannah and said, "17 dollars left, you can still go to the store with $8.50 each."

She was not going to be swayed.

When I put in the next 3 dollars for Wheel of Fortune, Walt said, "Put 2 more in and you get double tickets!"

I responded, "Walt, that is just how they rig it against you to sucker you into paying more money."

He said, "Dad, what if we spin the highest amount, you will have wished you doubled it up."

This was impenetrable logic, so I obliged.

We were already down three dollars, and now we were playing a second time for five dollars. This time we got double score on the tickets for the additional two dollars. As Savannah spun the wheel, I looked to my left and ignored the spin and said to her, "Wouldn't it just be amazing if you got the 200 slot (the highest slot)?"

She said, "I know that would be awesome."

All the while, the spin had come to a stop and it was flashing and buzzing because that is exactly what happened! Walt was trying to get our attention but Savannah and I were just staring at the wheel sliver that was on the arrow as the 200 blinked! Seriously, this sliver was tiny! (See video.)


Then we had to guess a letter correctly!

"S!," Savannah and Walt both shouted.

I plugged in the S. Booyah! 2-S's, times the double score meant 800 tickets! Walt spun and it landed on a similar sliver which was for 20 tickets. I thought we had hit the 200 jackpot twice in row, but it as just another small sliver that looked the same and was worth 20. Then Walt guessed, "R" and there were 2-R's so that was 20 doubled twice for 80 more tickets!

20 seconds later we were typing in "Marinated Mushrooms" and tickets were pouring out of that machine for literally 5 minutes. The ticket dispenser ran dry and a service tech had to come over and give us more tickets by hand. It was truly awe inspiring!

We played Deal or No Deal and Savannah actually picked the box with the highest total in it (400 tickets) but we took the deal with 2 boxes left for 254 tickets, because the other box was the 20 ticket box. I tried explaining how the deal was a great deal, but they were frustrated with me for not sticking with our original pick! The video animated host does a really good job mocking you for taking the deal when your box was the highest total box. I wanted to punch the machine myself!

I kept going on and on about the math involved but they were having none of that logical discussion! So we played Deal or No Deal again, and this time we went all the way to the end sticking with our original box. The deal was made to us with 2 boxes left. The 400 ticket box (the highest possible) and the 5 ticket box. The deal was for 149 tickets. I was screaming, "TAKE THE DEAL!" but Savannah crushed the big read NO DEAL button before I could do anything. By this time, you can guess, right? Right. 400 more tickets to the Simpsons!


And another five minutes standing at a machine as family after family rolled their eyes as they watched my kids doing their happy dances... with their father. (Don't judge me until you have felt the sweet thrill of victory at one of these establishments!)

So I guess I will wait until another day to teach my kids a lesson about how these games are all traps to steal your money. I will wait to teach them about statistical math and odds and those types of things until after the joy of this victory has warn off.

On the ride home Walt (my 8 year old) asked me, "Dad, if we bought 2 webkinz and all this candy and these toys and stuff how much would that cost?"

I said, "About 55 dollars."

And he said, "And we only spent 20 dollars on the games, right?"

"Right," I hesitantly replied.

Then, my 8-year old calmly, and matter-of-factly said, "So you owe us 35 bucks then, right?"

My son may not grow up understanding the odds of the table games, but at least he understands how to be a bookie!

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The Daddy Daughter Dance 2011

Friday, April 15, 2011 2 comments
My daughter, Savannah, is not your typical orthodox, little girl. She came to me last year not wanting to wear a dress to the Daddy Daughter Dance. So, we wore pajamas. That made such a lasting impression, she had all her classmates asking her a week in advance this year, "What are you going to wear?"

So we had to do something to top the pajamas.
I took a few pictures with her friends just so you could see that everyone else wore actual dresses and outfits.






And for what it's worth, she is wearing a vintage jersey from the University of South Carolina Gamecocks' trip to the 1995 Carquest Bowl. The first bowl game that the Gamecocks ever won!

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This Explains Why Shaka Smart is Such a Great Coach

Monday, March 28, 2011 0 comments
I believe that hundreds of pentecostal churches across America have been accidentally lifting Shaka Smart up in prayer when they speak in tongues. Watch the video to see it explained on the Spanky Brown Show live on the morning of March 28th.



And here is the rest of it.

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So You Want to See the Doctor?

Tuesday, March 01, 2011 0 comments
This is an original animated video I wrote and put together recently. It chronicles a conversation I had (sort of paraphrased) with a doctor's office recently. Let me know if you have had a similar experience.

Here is a link to the original blog post that inspired this animated video.

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Akintunde's Recipe for a Hot Comedy Show Includes a Pasty White Substance - ME!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 0 comments
Akintunde's recipe for a hot comedy show includes a peculiar pasty white substance...ME. That's right, check it out!


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The Manta Story Told On Stage

Tuesday, November 09, 2010 0 comments

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Turns Out I May Be Qualified to Provide Voice-Over for Red-Neck Ninjas

Monday, November 08, 2010 0 comments
In March I will be providing some voice-over work for an upcoming pilot, and iPhone application for the animated series Redneck Ninjas. I will be the voice of Clyde, pictured here jumping from the ropes.

The producer has asked me to come ready to merge Bruce Lee type sound effects with the energy of Larry the Cable Guy. I just hope this doesn't lead to type casting and ruin my career the way it did Dan Whitney's.

The first go round with KickStarter.com was wildly successful for producer, Drew Bates. He was able to raise 10,000 dollars for the necessary budget to provide an animatic (spelling?) to a studio for consideration. Since the first iteration was so well thought of, he is fully developing a pilot episode! This is pretty exciting!

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The Manta Goes Down!

Wednesday, October 06, 2010 0 comments
This is Savannah and me riding the Manta Roller-Coaster at Sea World. This is by far the scariest roller-coaster I have ever been on. What you cannot tell in this picture is that we are lying UNDER the track. Picture a ski-loft that pulls your butt up and clicks into place under the track!! CRAZY INSANE. (See Youtube Video in the full post.)

AND NO, it doesn't feel like you are flying like super-man -- it feels like you are 30 seconds from being dead! The ride up the hill is always the worst part for me because I am afraid of heights. Well on the Manta, you are face down, actually looking down at your impending death drop of 250 feet into the park concrete below you!

I told Savannah while we were in line that she may hear me yell a bad word. She said, "That's O.K., I know them all anyway, from the neighborhood kids."

The words that came out of my mouth on the ride were few. The first one was AAAAAWWWWWWWW (Explitive-here.) Then basically a cacophony of please-Jesus, sweet-Jesus, and help me-Jesuses.


Afterwards when I spoke with Savannah, I asked if she heard me. She said, "Yeah, and what were talking to Jesus for? Were you asking for forgiveness for the bad word?"

And I responded, "Um... I will now, Savannah.

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