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Dear Mr. Colbert,

You alone, as a fellow South Carolinian and ruler of all opinion-givers, have the power to solve a serious problem that I am facing. I humbly beseech your assistance in the following plight:

Help me, Mr. Stephen Colbert.
You're my only hope.

I desperately need the
Colbert Stamp of Truthiness
on my Goldendoodle comedy material.

Not The Bump, I need The Stamp.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that this "Stamp of Truthiness" doesn't even exist. I realize that. I am asking that you create one!

As President Elect Obama narrows his list of choices for the White House canine, the Goldendoodle remains a frontrunner. The breed's potentially imminent rise to fame could have every pundit, commentator, and comedian soon cracking "doodle" jokes. As I'm sure you will see, this jeopardizes the uniqueness of my original material.

My argument as to why the Goldendoodle would be metaphorically appropriate for the Obama presidency will follow in the next few days. (And now can be read here.) For now, I'm hoping for your assistance in preventing the unwarranted spreading of the doodle-wealth!

I am in need of a clearing house of some kind - one with credibility and impartiality equivalent to the Library of Congress. I must find an agency that will certify to the free world that I, Marty Simpson, was indeed the first comedian standing up for the Goldendoodle.

And so, it is with utmost reverence and respect that I entreat you, Mr. Colbert, to provide me with that certification in the form of the first official Colbert Report's Colbert Stamp of Truthiness Certificate. (Again, not The Bump . . . The Stamp.)

Then, if while on the road, members of the audience call into question the validity of my doodle humor, I can simply say, "AU CONTRAIRE! My doodle humor is the premier, according to Stephen Colbert, The Truthiness Swami Extraordinaire."

And then, after being made fun of for channeling Dr. Seuss, I could unsheathe my Official Stamp of Truthiness Certificate and swat the sass-talker with it squarely on the nose. (Preferably the certificate would be large enough to roll into an effectively intimidating cylinder, so as to allow for said swatting.)

I patiently await your response.

Genuflectionately © Yours,

Marty Simpson

P.S. Here are a few of my Goldendoodle-bits, and pictures of my "Gus" (Augustus McCrae) and "Luke" (named after the biblical apostle as well as the son of Anakin Skywalker.)

Visit www.ColbertNation.com


From coach to comedian: Marty Simpson is a former USA Today high school All-American and collegiate Academic All-Conference player for USC who scored the Gamecocks' first 6 points in the SEC. During 8 years as a high school varsity coach, Simpson led his team to the state finals and saw one player advance to set an NFL rookie record. Simpson now divides his time between his family, running a multimedia company named Blue-Eyed Panda and getting the same pre-game jitters by performing stand-up comedy nationwide.

Check out Marty's performance dates here.


Marty :: 

27 Response to 'Help me, Mr. Stephen Colbert.
You're my only hope.'

  1. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226717340000#c3189578142448263882'> November 14, 2008 at 9:49 PM

     

  2. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226720040000#c4319366022929340399'> November 14, 2008 at 10:34 PM

     

  3. http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226724780000#c7526687292053441669'> November 14, 2008 at 11:53 PM

     

  4. Kayla Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226728320000#c5660405881002296899'> November 15, 2008 at 12:52 AM

     

  5. Bobby Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226734920000#c7455697009467613393'> November 15, 2008 at 2:42 AM

     

  6. Bobby Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226734980000#c8864231407555183313'> November 15, 2008 at 2:43 AM

     

  7. http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226735220000#c5603490460871890394'> November 15, 2008 at 2:47 AM

     

  8. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226929320000#c1523462348430439727'> November 17, 2008 at 8:42 AM

     

  9. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226929440000#c6270761663816129167'> November 17, 2008 at 8:44 AM

     

  10. Yvonne Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1226943540000#c3431330086525546711'> November 17, 2008 at 12:39 PM

     

  11. Kayla Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227013380000#c5913543112338544534'> November 18, 2008 at 8:03 AM

     

  12. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227014280000#c5634268676467500627'> November 18, 2008 at 8:18 AM

     

  13. Chris Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227014400000#c7380221962535264059'> November 18, 2008 at 8:20 AM

     

  14. Julie Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227015840000#c2281135128240006390'> November 18, 2008 at 8:44 AM

     

  15. StCarp Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227016200000#c7222801734254484327'> November 18, 2008 at 8:50 AM

     

  16. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227019080000#c2835035843976062598'> November 18, 2008 at 9:38 AM

     

  17. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227028500000#c5701120885817664194'> November 18, 2008 at 12:15 PM

     

  18. BIG AL in LA Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227030420000#c1644227711903901651'> November 18, 2008 at 12:47 PM

     

  19. http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227031500000#c2715382696576293444'> November 18, 2008 at 1:05 PM

     

  20. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227034440000#c229438377690365605'> November 18, 2008 at 1:54 PM

     

  21. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227036240000#c1685352196557277543'> November 18, 2008 at 2:24 PM

     

  22. Jessica Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227040200000#c3987092269785978893'> November 18, 2008 at 3:30 PM

     

  23. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227051060000#c3206710666109062584'> November 18, 2008 at 6:31 PM

     

  24. Mike Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227129660000#c3545218609521743020'> November 19, 2008 at 4:21 PM

     

  25. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227929940000#c7999088100286989858'> November 28, 2008 at 10:39 PM

     

  26. http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227934260000#c7875081027108275685'> November 28, 2008 at 11:51 PM

     

  27. Anonymous Said,
    http://www.adventureswithmarty.com/2008/11/first-email-test.html?showComment=1227979980000#c3958210237714503668'> November 29, 2008 at 12:33 PM

     


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