Who Is Savannah Simpson?

Savannah Simpson is the daughter of former Gamecock Kicker and Punter, Marty Simpson. Marty is the president of Blue-Eyed Panda LLC. (Savannah's nick-name is Sonny.)

Savannah (or Sonny) will be picking her bowl game winners based on which team has the better looking uniforms, as she is quite the fashionista. Read on to register and play for free!

Savannah will be picking the games along with Tommy Moody, Benji Norton, and Bob Shields of 107.5 The Early Game morning radio show. The contest will be tallied, and if Savannah wins, the guys will have to do something special to be announced later.

If Savannah loses ... well, we'll jump off that bridge when we get there, but most likely she will simply remind everyone she is a ten year old little girl and that she picked the games based on the uniforms!

See Sonny's Video Explanations of Some of Her Picks

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How Do You Get to Play?

If you would like to participate in this fun contest, read below on how to register with the site and enter your picks to see how you stack up against Sonny. Outlined below are the prizes for the web contestants as well as the rules.

How to Play

Below are the steps you take to play:

  • Register with the website
  • Activate your account
  • Login (Using the top right corner login button)
  • Fill out your entries for the Bowl Schedule
  • Wait to see how you well you did.
  • All finalists will contacted via email.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot this part...Pray that you actually do beat a girl whose picks are based solely on the uniform fashion of the teams involved.

How Does Sonny Make Her Picks?

In case you missed it above, Sonny will choose her winner solely based on the teams' uniforms. (Sorry ahead of time to Joe Pa!)

If she likes both uniforms equally, or dislikes them both equally, she will then go to which mascot she likes better. (And not mascot name, but actual mascot character.)

How to Win?

Online winners will register at the site. Fill out the bowl list with their chosen winners. Each win that is predicted correctly is worth 1 point. No spreads are used for the game outcomes, only raw, real scores. After the final game has been played, all entries will be counted and the ones that have actually defeated (if there are any) Sonny's total wins will all be tallied.

From this list, finalists will be chosen. The finalists will be those entries that defeated Savannah's picks by the most amount. If there is only one entry left when this calculation is complete, then that person will be declared the grand prize winner. If there are multiple folks at the top of the win total that ended with the same number of wins, then a random drawing will be held to determine the grand prize winner.

The overall grand prize will be announced on the radio on the Early Game on 107.5 so stay tuned.

What if I Heard About it Late, Can I Still Play?

YES! There will be two grand prize winners. The first will be awarded to the person that picks all games between December 19th and the BCS National Championship game. The 2nd Grand Prize winner will be awarded to person who has the most wins in the bowl games that are played ON or AFTER January 1st.

So go ahead and get to pickin'!!

(Noteworthy: Any game played prior to your register date will not be counted towards your total win number for obvious reasons! However, you may still register and win if your total win number exceeds Savannah's. And as long as you register by January 1st, you will be eligible for the 2nd grand prize for the January 1 and later bowl games.)

A Quick Recap

  • Register with the site. (Register and play by clicking here.)
  • Activate your account. (Instructions will be emailed to you upon registration.)
  • Login using the top right Login link on every page of the website.
  • After logging in you will be taken to the Bowl Picks page.
  • You have to fill out every game's entry to have a valid submission.
  • The tie breaker picks will be to predict whether Savannah will beat Bob, Tommy, and Benji of the Early Game at 107.5

Privacy Policy

Blue-Eyed Panda LLC, is a based in Columbia, South Carolina in the Vista! Blue-Eyed Panda LLC will not sell or redistribute your email for any reason.

(Prizes will be announced soon! Make sure to listen to 107.5 The Game in the mornings for the details.)

To view Savannah Simpson's Website, which has videos of her interviewing Gamecock fans and more,

click here -->

On some level, every Dad loves hanging out with their daughter, right? Well, Savannah and I have a pretty special relationship. We both are really goofy and both love being the center of attention. Read this entire entry to see how we spent our latest "Daddy Daughter Date Night" taping her contest entry for "Kid Reporter" for the NBC's Today Show.

Here is a video, which is not part of the competition submission (as that would break the rules of the contest.) However, this day of taping did serve as the basis for the news story that she put together.

And here a few other pictures from the taping day after the interviews.

Savannah, my nine year old (at the time) was eating a blow-pop. A green apple blow-pop. When she got down to the biting phase to make the bubble gum appear, she blurted out,

"Hey, look, Dad! This blow-pop looks like your head!"

Is it possible to travel these days without getting sick? This woman seems to think so, however, she is willing to go to lengths that I am not willing to go! 
My favorite part is the look on the other woman's face.
It's like she is saying, "What are you doing taking a phone picture of this woman?"
And it's like I am saying, "For my blog, lady, why else?"

Meeting a Pro-Skater

Monday, September 28, 2009 0 comments
On my way back from Los Angeles recently, I was honored to get to sit beside an amazing pro-skater. His name was Mike Mo Capaldi. Not only is he an amazing athlete, but he was an even nicer kid.

While talking with him for probably 30 minutes longer than he wanted to (due to his Nyquill pills he had taken), he actually asked if I wanted to give Walt, my six year old, one of his name-brand boards. He had carried a few on the plane with him. He was even nicer when I was bold enough to tell him I could never go home with just one, since I had two kids!

His skate company is named, "GIRL," which I knew Savannah would love to hang in her room, because their logo is like a lady's restroom symbol. She flipped out over it.

Above is a picture in the airport of the two of us after our flight. Below is a picture of Walt with his seventh birthday gifts on. He insisted on having a new skateboard that he could use, since the Mike Mo board has Mike's autograph on it!

Mike Mo Capaldi is set to be featured in the newest Tony Hawk video game. Look out for this kid, he is the real deal!

A video is linked to Mike Mo's skating (click the Continue Reading link...then just search for him on He is amazing!)

The State Newspaper actually featured my up coming comedy show on the front page of the Life and Times Section.

I think it was because ...

I finally went ahead and hyped up the "Former Gamecock" part of the biography when I submitted the event. The past three shows I have submitted the same exact way, but this time I actually put "Former Gamecock has comedy show coming up..."

I may feel like a prostitute, but at least maybe I will get the benefit of it!


The Double :: Explained

Sunday, August 16, 2009 0 comments
After Samkon Gado scored on his 77 yard touchdown scamper this past Friday, it was asked of him, "Where did that 'juke' come from?"

Evidently, his high school coach taught him. Oh wait, that's me!
From the St. Louis Today website. (
For another, how about that juke he put on Jets safety James Ihedigbo?

"I gave him an old move that my high school coach taught me called 'the double,' " Gado said.

When asked about the move, Gado said: "You can't describe it. You're just going to have to see it, I guess."

Suffice it to say "the double" was a shake-and-bake move by Gado, who looks bigger and burlier than his listed roster weight of 227 pounds. The move helped Gado record the Rams' longest run from scrimmage in exhibition play since the move to St. Louis in 1995 — a period encompassing 58 games.
Samkon Gado is an awesome dude. One of the greatest kids to ever get to coach for sure. Here is one of the reasons. He was humble enough to give his former coaches credit for a move he pulled in the 77 yard run.

Robbie Hardy and I spent the whole summer of 1998 studying game film. One that struck me was a the national championship game of Nebraska vs. Florida. Then, freshmen, Ahman Green put a nasty move on a linebacker. I watched in slow motion, and started realizing this was the move that every great "scat-type" back used.

We had no other name for it but "The Double." The reason it's called the double is because you fake one way, and then end up going that way. So you fake to your left, then go right, WAIT, back left again.

The key to the move though is actually stopping your progress forward. We watched tape of Barry Sanders too. He was doing more like "quadruples" but the principle remained the same. Travel full speed forwards, pause, shake-and-bake, then proceed.

I always assumed these types of moves were born inside the great runners of our time, however, we discovered, this simple little glide step "double" can be effectively taught to kids with all ranges of athletic abilities. It was Hardy that really decided to teach it with full gusto. I confess, I only thought it was worth teaching to Sam. Before too long, every kid, even the Jay-Vee kids were yelling in the hallway at school, "Hey Coach, watch my double..."

It sure is fun watching a kid who deserves every bit of the success he has achieved, actually get the chance in life to be in a position to be granted the opportunity this sentence sure made sense in my head before typing it?? 

Sam, we all love you and appreciate you.

Go Rams!

I know this has nothing to do wtih Adventures with Marty -- but in a way it does! Come to a show and hear a great story about how I inadvertently danced with a pregnant woman during one of Samkon's Touchdown runs in 2005!

(For those that don't know, Samkon Gado played football at the school where I coached for 7 seasons.)

The State Newspaper article printed some of my quotes. I am very appreciative for their support and the opportunity to be represented in the article. Out of the sheer necessity of space, some of my comments were shortened or edited. I have provided some context to those quotes, in case there is any confusion or controversy surrounding them.

Here is summary of the quotes used with more context provided for clarity.

Quote #1
“If everybody thinks we’re just a bunch of redneck idiots, I tell them they shouldn’t judge the redneck idiot before they get to know him,” said Marty Simpson, a Columbia resident who plays comedy clubs when not running a Web production company. “Those redneck idiots are some of my favorite people in the world.”

What I said before saying
"those redneck idiots are some of my favorite people in the world"
was sort of relevant to the full understanding of the comment.

I mentioned to the reporter (but it was edited out due to length issues I am sure) how when I was first married, my wife and I lived in Forest Acres, an area in Columbia that is not typically associated with redneck stereotypes. (Other stereotypes maybe, but not country-boy redneck ones.)

Back then I owned a 1970 Buick that I had to add lead to the gasoline. It got 4 miles to the gallon and wouldn't start on days when it rained. (This was 1995.) In three years living there, my car broke down at least a dozen times. Not one time while in Forest Acres, did anyone ever stop to help me out.

We then moved to West Columbia, an area that is stereotypically more "redneck." I lived there for 3 three years and EVERY time (out of 10 or 11) my car broke down, at least two or three folks stopped to offer help in the way of rides or even mechanical help with the car itself.

I then said,
"No matter who those folks voted for, or what they do in their private lives, when my car is broken down...Those redneck 'idiots' are some of my favorite people in the world."
I wanted anyone reading these comments to have the full context about them before they passed judgement on me for using the term redneck generally.

Quote #2
Recently, however, Sanford’s MIA-turned-love scandal forced Simpson to delve into state politics. He notes that Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer spent more than $40,000 on call girls before his resignation in 2008, but Sanford tacked his liaison in Argentina onto a state economic development trip, at a cost of only $3,300.

“Sanford got 10 times the media frenzy for one-tenth of the cost. That’s fiscally conservative,” Simpson said.
I would like it noted, mostly by anyone that books comedians for the governor's mansion events, that I did differentiate the reimbursements the governor made out of his own pocket to the reporter, and they were omitted. Also, this comment is a paraphrase of my comments in general. The entire premise for what I was making light of can be read here > ( Article Elaborated Upon.)

Quote #3
Simpson laughed at Stewart’s routine.

“I had comedian jealousy,” he said. “I wish I could be the ‘Daily Show’ correspondent in South Carolina.”

He’d like to show that people from the state are smart enough to laugh at themselves.

“Some of the time,” Simpson admitted, “South Carolina deserves to be made fun of.”
I know this is nit-picky, but I technically said,
"I had comedian-envy..."
Which I point out simply because I think it's funnier.

More to the point of the last paragraph of comments. At some point South Carolina, we all have to give up the hope for a better yesterday...seriously! For the record, I am a loyal Gamecock Fan, and Carolina Supporter. Anyone that would like to question that in person, I recommend you doing so in person at one of my shows! Check the website calendar for the next one coming up in Columbia.

Recently, our fine city's local newspaper called me for a few comments about the wave of jokes being made against our state and governor. I had a long telephone interview and a few of my comments were published in the final article. Those comments may be read here -- (For bonus comments not published in the article click here.)

I wanted to give a full blog entry concerning my printed comments, as Mr. Holleman only had so many words he was allotted for the story, and understandably some of my comments were shortened or edited.

Basically, this blog entry is my full summary of the interview, written in essay form.

My Thoughts About Our Governor's Recent Actions

I am sure that South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford, had aspirations of removing, once and for all, any negative stigma from our state's tarnished reputation. He sure seemed like he was going to be the leader to change all this.

For those that thought being the brunt of the nation's jokes about our state and our Governor was a bad thing, I am here to point out and illuminate for you all, the silver lining.

That silver lining consists of two main parts. One, the distractions Governor Sanford's actions now create, make the normal skeletons in South Carolina's closet less noticeable, and, two, the recent actions of the governor prove that his fiscal responsibility is no longer debatable.

The silver linings in the distractions Governor Sanford has caused are obvious. Now, instead of being known as the second dumbest state (Special thanks to Mississippi), or being the tobacco state, or the civil-rights-ignoring-confederate-flag-state (Again, thanks Mississippi), at least now we have a legitimate sex-scandal on our hands. (And I probably shouldn't say "on our hands.") So now we will be the "Governor has an Argentinian Lover State!!" That's way better than racist, right? The Governor has brought on real change!

In addition to the deliberate distraction tactic, I think the Governor's latest antics are just his way of trying to keep up with the New Yorks and other bigger states, you know? (See Eliot Spitzer.)

I applaud Governor Sanford's efforts as unorthodox as they may be. But to equate paying $5,000 for a high-end prostitute, like in Eliot Spitzer's case, to our governor's love story for the ages is sort of unfair. You see, it overlooks the obvious non-hypocritical stance our Governor took toward fiscal responsibility.

Our Governor is the governor that recently refused 700 million dollars of the federal bailout money unless he could use that money to pay down the state's debt. (This decision would be overturned in Congress.)

His latest "media purchase" proves he is much more fiscally minded than Spitzer. Our Governor has only paid, as of today, $3,300 for this whole deal. AND our governor reimbursed these expenses out of his own pocket! (A pocket filled by the loyal tax-payers of South Carolina who provide his salary, but who's counting?)

New York's governor paid upwards of $40,000. Our Governor created 10 times the media frenzy at one-tenth the cost!

I call that fiscal responsibility.

In fact, to some fiscal-a-phytes, it could appear that our governor is just showing off.

Special Note: Had the king of pop, Michael Jackson, not passed away the day after Governor Sanford's confession, he would have created 100 times the frenzy of Spitzer! That's pennies on the dollar. Some might say about Sanford's fiscal responsibility, "You cannot Beat-It, Beat-It, Beat-It... Beat-It, Beat-It, Beat-It...

I am sure that my comments will be taken out of context, and I will be made a fool of, too, just like our Governor. Although technically, I am not calling the Governor a fool. I am just pointing out that lots of people may have called him one, and they might have done so after being given only a narrow sliver of the facts. Give or take the 20,000 or so e-mails on public record. And "narrow sliver" is not to be confused with "silver" as in "silver lining."

Either way, if I bring the great state of South Carolina as much national media as our governor has brought, then we are all the better for it! (At least I am the better for it!)

So, with all this being said, I would officially like to thank the Governor for proving his credibility on fiscal responsibility and for giving comedians all over the country an actual reason to overlook some of the skeletons in South Carolina's closet. (Again, see Strom's kids, racism, segregation, civil-rights, tobacco, the chicken-curse, etc...)

As to any early aspirations of the Governor Sanford's political campaign to remove the stigma that looms over South Carolina in the national media, the only phrase that comes to mind is,


My son, Walt, loves to be a helper. He has never been more proud of helping out around the house than last Christmas. A month before Christmas, my wife and I had installed some shelving in the garage. We had not calculated in the mix what this new shelving would mean in terms of hanging wreaths in the windows at Christmas time.

Enter Walt. We discovered that in order to put the wreaths up in the garage windows, we needed to be a miniature human being, or approximately the size of my Walton!

You should have seen him beaming with pride all holidays long last year. Everyone that came over got to hear all about how he had to help because he was the only family member small enough! He was even proud that Savannah helped with one of the windows too.

This year, Savannah, didn't want to do it because her side required more of a contortionist than a miniature person. Therefore, Walt took it upon himself to do all three windows!

So if you are ever feeling like you have not figured out your special purpose in this holiday season, just remember, everyone has their place . . . everyone has their place.

This was an amazing time! Griff invited me to perform for his show at The Punchline in Atlanta. Griff is a comedian I met while filming for the BET's, A Time to Laugh.

Read more about Griff here. See more pictures from the performance by selecting "Continue Reading..."Below are some pictures from the performance.

After the performance was over, I went to get paid, and the club manager said if I came back Wednesday Night (the next night) that she would tape my performance to show the owners. This way the owners could evaluate and possibly invite me back! This could be the start of a long love affair with The Punchline in Atlanta. (And/Or a very short lived love/hate relationship!)

Odometer Oddities

Thursday, July 09, 2009 0 comments

How often do you get to take this picture on a car you own? I literally pulled over on the shoulder of the interstate and took this picture with my phone while folks honked away at me!

To all you honkers (not honkeys) I say, "BOOOOOO!!" Look out for me in another 111,111 miles when it hits 222,222.2 miles!

My Rocket Babe of a Wife!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 0 comments
The Ashley Factor . . .

My incredibly lovely wife at the sweet age of ... hmm... well let's just say it is her birthday today! Happy Birthday, Dear!

Check out my rocket babe wife though! Then and now!

The Red-Neck Slipe and Slide

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 5 comments
Instead of joining the local Country Club for the summer I promised our kids that we would do the Red-Neck Slip and Slide more often this summer.

The price difference is substantial. $16 dollars at Home Depot versus $545 for the 10 weeks of summer swimming at the pool "with the diving board."
Last summer we went to the pool right around 16 times. That averages out to $34 per day! NOT THIS SUMMER. We are going to do the Red-Neck Slip and Slide at least four more times if not more. That is down to $4 a day!! As with everything else, it's all about the economy!
Noteworthy (To any copy cats out there)
Secret Ingredient : Palmolive...seriously!

Here is a video that pretty much captures the essence of our beach vacation this summer.

My wife's father was on of the first surfers in South Carolina. (Seriously...) The art of the long board has sort of been lost on the newer generation of surfers, but man this was really fun.

Had we had a day with larger waves it would have been insane!

The Holidays and Bronchitis

What is the special connection between Christmas time in South Carolina, my lungs, and the bronchitis bacteria? It would seem that every year there is some form of reunion between these three entities.

(NOTE: I typed this entry on my laptop in December of 2008, and have just now posted it to my blog. I had forgotten it was on my hard drive!)

I wonder if more study was put toward discovering the real connection if I could not prevent this reunion in the future. The irony this season is the fact that all over Thanksgiving my two children and my wife were all throwing up with some form of a stomach flu. Six bottles of Purel later, and I avoided that one! Maybe the 8 years of school teaching allowed my system to build up an immunity to the Rotavirus, I don't know.

Then, three days into the first fully non-sick Simpson-House in four months, I come down with Bronchitis. Fever, chills, Nyquil, the whole bit.

As I type this very entry, I am sitting in my family physician's waiting room, across from a handicapped teenager scrunching his hands together in circles, rocking back and forth. [And based on the sound of his dozen or so coughs (thus far) he obviously has the same infection I do.]

TIME 3:13pm (3 Minutes after arriving.)

Why would I be blogging in my doctor's waiting room?

Well, because I have a real job you know? Anytime my family doctor works me into a sick-visit, I am always in the waiting room, and then even more infuriatingly in the little patient room, for what seems like, hours on end. Therefore, I brought along the laptop.

One weird thing is the unknown policy dealing with the order which one is seen by the doctor. The unknown of whether it's first come first serve or if it is strictly by appointment time. You know what I mean? My appointment was for 3:00 p.m. I always wait a minimum of 45 minutes, so I was in no rush to get there on time. But after I arrived at 3:10 and signed in, four other folks arrived, signed in, and were summoned to the back to start the next phase of waiting inside the patient room.

I wonder when their appointment times were? Maybe they were dreadfully late for their 2:30 appointments and it actually is based on the appointment times. Or maybe they were on time for their 3:15 appointments and the nurses were sticking it to me for being late. I think if they were to make their policies public and post them on the wall in the waiting room that it would drastically change the behavior of us all.

Since they won't, I sit, prepared with my laptop, external firewire drive, extension chords, and surge protectors in case there is no open power outlet close by. I am sure the children playing with the electronic train didn't mind the 30 seconds that their power went out while I unplugged their power and plugged in my surge protector and then replugged in their train. The adults around them gave me a mean look while this was happening, but as they began to say something, I simply called upon the inner depths of my lungs where the latest round of bacteria had been brewing for twenty minutes or so, and then coughed. And after the adults had waited for my coughing to die down, they looked as if they may try and speak again, so I started coughing again. They then remained silent.

"Mr. Simpson . . . " the nurse says. So I quickly pack up my gear and head back to Phase 2 of my waiting! You know, the part where the nurse pretends to take important vital signs, and patients lament over deciding to not bring the most recent People Magazine with them back to this second phase. (For some reason folks always forget that Phase 2 waiting is just as long as Phase 1 waiting!)

TIME Now: 3:52 p.m. (42 Minutes after arriving.)

Currently in Phase-2 of waiting now. I am back in the patient's room. This is where the doctor sees me. I really have to urinate, but I am holding it in case they need a sample. This has caused mild irritability.

There is always a momentary lapse of judgement or a fleeting glimpse of optimism, I am not sure which, that overwhelms us as our name is called by the waiting room nurse. We leap up like we are going to go right back and start talking with the doctor. We start rolling our sleeves up to prepare for the blood work. We take our shoes off twenty feet before the scale as if we are being graded on how well we know the drill.

Then, reality sinks in. We get our blood pressure taken, our temperature taken, and then . . . "Dr. So-and-So will be with you shortly."

It's right about then when I wonder why every healthcare provider in America believes that "shortly" means 35 minutes. I think the real definition of "shortly" when it is referencing anything related to healthcare, is simply, whenever the most educated person in the mix feels like it.

So I help participate in defining this term, shortly , for the healthcare industry. Here is my explanation. You see, I understand that I may be part of the problem with the healthcare system in America for holding this opinion, but I cannot change the inner-most convictions of my heart. I truly believe it is our duty and honor to pay our medical bills only after a small dwarf has shown up at our house with a battle axe and threatened to kill our family pet if we don't pay the balance right then.

I just think turn about is fair play. I wait 2 hours for an appointment. I sit in an M.R.I. scanning booth for an hour. A radiologist, that's not in my network, takes five minutes to read the scan and scribble something in my chart, my doctor's nurse calls the radiologist's nurse to get the results, those results are dictated into my chart for reading over the phone, and then my nurse gets those dictated results to my family physician for my follow-up appointment six weeks from that original M.R.I. scan. When I get to the follow-up appointment, I wait another two hours to hear that everything is fine. I figured if their system, that should take five minutes to get me my information, actually takes six to eight weeks, then this provides the ratio by which I establish the timing of my payment. The reason I say five minutes is because the technician on site administering the test always tells me something like, "everything looks fine, but wait till your doctor calls... "

So, I take the 5 minute to 8 week ratio and work from there.

  • There are 1,440 minutes in a day.
  • There are 10,800 minutes in a week.
  • There are 80,640 minutes in 8 weeks.
  • So the ratio to work with here is 5 to 80,640.

The proper time it should take to pay my doctor's bill is 30 days. I believe that every doctor would be satisfied to receive every bill payment 30 days after delivering service, don't you?

So, in the ratio above, the 5 minutes becomes 30 days. Therefore, it is prudent and fair to pay this bill, based on the above ratio, 2,419,200 days later instead. OR, in years, 6,627.9 years later this bill should be paid.

Or in other words . . . shortly .

TIME 4:15pm (65 minutes after arriving.)

Still in Phase-2 of waiting. No peep from doctor. Don't even hear him next door. I feel like Burgess Meredith in that Twighlight Zone episode where the world ends outside and he goes out there to discover he is the only human left on earth. Lucky for me I don't wear glasses. In the similar episode that stars ME as the main character, instead of my glasses breaking so I cannot read (like in the real episode) it would somehow end with no electricity to charge laptop batteries.

[Cut To: Shawshankesque Crane Shot from above of me holding my Apple Laptop Power Plug (you know the white box with the thin chord to plug-in) standing in front of a power outlet with it plugged in and yelling,


This is always when I ponder moving to Canada, but even the air conditioning in this Phase-2 room is cold, so I probably wouldn't do well in Canada. Did you know my friend that lives in Canada just had a baby, and the national health plan allows for 70 percent of her salary for ONE year as maternity leave? The cold must really get to politician's brains too!

The beauty of all this is, I am a web developer, so if my doctor had the extra 54 dollars a year to invest in a wireless router, I would be forced to feel guilty for working on my personal blog instead of on my customers' websites. As it stands, my family doctor doesn't plan on getting a WIFI network installed until the iPhone has teleporting capabilities, which according to Steve Jobs is in late 2010. The ironic thing there is once I can teleport to the doctor's office when they call for me, WHY will I need WIFI in the waiting room? Turns out the real sufferers in the equation are my customers!

TIME : 4:29pm (89 minutes after arriving.)

I just heard the sounds of chairs scraping. Evidence of human life in the next room is always good. However, this could have easily been a raccoon going through the garbage cans in the connecting hallways, I am not sure.

Just think, I will have been out of my work day from 2:30 p.m. until (return here and put the proper time). I bill my clients anywhere from 100-200 dollars an hour depending on what I am doing for them. I feel like I should bill the doctor for the lost time. THAT would make healthcare affordable.

I predict I will spend less than ten minutes discussing anything with the doctor. However, that will not make me NOT try my latest tactic. You see, we have met our abnormally large deductible for the fifth year in a row. My son is a faller. Yes, a faller. My six year old son, Walt, has been to the E.R. in four different cities! Thanks to the adventurous climbing nature combined with the lack of coordination to stick the landings, my family has met the 5,650 dollar deductible for five straight years!

We have a low premium (relative term) high deductible (universal term) healthcare plan. Everything from this point forward in the year is paid in full, so long as it's medically necessary.

When the doctor does come in, I am going to attempt to get him to combine into this one visit all of the following things:

  • a prescription for Zithromax for my bronchitis
  • a referral to a spinal surgeon specialist for my minimally invasive back surgery so I can have ANOTHER MRI this calendar year fully covered
  • my follow up visit to my recent colonoscopy that he ordered that is technically scheduled for two weeks from now
  • AND my yearly visit for Narcolepsy.

We'll see how this goes.

I don't want the Doctor to do anything unethical, nor do I want him to get paid less than he deserves for delivering all of this treatment, I just don't want to have to BE HERE for it.

You see the problem is if he does all this in one visit, he can only bill for the one visit, but if I come back in a few weeks, and then again in a few more weeks, he gets three times the money. I need all those visits medically, and he can ethically bill for those visits without cheating the insurance companies, I just want them all to be done today!

I propose that this visit can do all of the above and take 8 total minutes. Here is my eight minute visit broken down into two minute increments.

First 2 Minutes ::
I say, "Hey Doc, (BIG COUGH.)" Stethoscope, rumble in my breathing....Doc says, "Wow, here you go with a Z-pack."

Second 2 Minutes ::
I say, "Hey Doc, remember my ongoing back problems I have had for 20 years...well I cannot have an MRI covered by my insurance unless you refer me to a specialist. I need that called in ASAP so I can get the actual MRI before Dec. 31st."

Doc says, "No problem...we'll do that on your way out."

Third 2 Minutes ::
Doc says, "How was your colonoscopy?"

I say, "Everything is clear, no issues. He prescribed me Aciphex, yes ASS-Effects (for my irritable bowel syndrome.)"

Yes...Aciphex, for my Irritable Bowel Syndrome but that's another blog-entry all together, but the medicine didn't really change anything. Bowel Doc says to stop eating late at night, and quit eating chocolate. Based on that assessment, my bowel will remain irritable until I am around ninety years old. (Assuming a steady diet of Raw Cookie-Dough 10 p.m. every night is the magic ticket to age 90!)

Fourth 2 Minutes ::
I say, "Hey Doc, you know I have that Narcolepsy blood work in two weeks,? Is there anyway I can draw blood today and not come back that day? But keep my appointment on the books, just do the blood work on that appointment time so I don't have to come back in ok?"

8 minutes -- botta-boom--botta-bing!

I think I am dreaming...but I am going to try anyway!

TIME : 4:40pm (90 minutes after my arrival.)

Still no sign of life in the office. I am pondering on whether to step outside and peek. I feel like I lose the "sympathy leverage" if I do that and they ACTUALLY DID forget about me though...So, I wait. Part of me thinks if they did forget about me I would somehow get a free set of steak knives or something of equal irrelevance. BUT, if I peek, with an irritated mannerism, then I lose my steak-knives!

All of this just makes me want to get the contract for the Doctor's website. Have him make an appointment for a meeting with my company downtown. Then when he starts cussing at me for making him wait an hour and a half in my lobby, I will say, "I am so sorry, man, come on back."

And then, walk him into the in-between room. The room between the waiting room and my office, and leave him there for another 45 minutes. Then come into that room and say, "You know what, we do these websites all the time, I know exactly what you need, so you can just head on, just make sure to email me any changes in content from your current site to this one..ok? Bye now...But oh yeah, don't forget our follow up meeting in a week to discuss the colors I will use on your website..."

And then make him wait to pay in front of a desk where no one sits for another 20 minutes.

TIME : 4:51pm (90 minutes after my arrival.)

Still have to pee like a friggin' race horse but I am still holding in case they need a sample. (Which makes me ponder how bad a race actually has to pee?)

TIME : 5:13pm (123 minutes after my arrival.)

I FINALLY see the doctor!! And to my disbelief, he does check me out for all my issues. AND he is super cool about the whole deal. So, I guess I did win a prize! 2 hours of total visit time. 7 minutes in front of the doctor! All is well in America!

TIME : 5:18pm (128 minutes after my arrival.)

So when I check out, the check-out lady asks, "So you have a balance of 184 dollars from other visits, would you like to clear your balance today?"

I just smile as I back out the swinging exit door and say,

"I will take care of that . . . shortly."

Awesome Inspirational Video

Friday, July 03, 2009 0 comments

My boy, GRIFF ( posted this video on his blog. I just really liked it too so I put it here.

I really like the thoughts that come to mind when watching it more than the visuals. While I love Ali, and especially Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I am struck by the absence of a Billy Graham, or Martin Luther, or a picture of Jesus.

But either way, this video is awesome! Enjoy.

This is causing me a little pain?

Inside I am cringing that my kid wants to look like Ryan Seacrest, and also, simultaneously, I am thinking, "This haircut is awesome!"

So, Ryan, if you ever read this, just know and understand, that I think you are the absolute X factor to the American Idol mix! You are the Dick Clark of our generation and the 100 percent best live television personality in the last 100 years!

Walt, my six year old son, wore very long hair until this past week. He said to his mother, "Mom, I want spikey hair like Ryan Seacrest..."

I guess there could be worse role models out there... Like SIMON! (Although, I have never disagreed with anything Simon has ever said!)

So, Ryan, keep up the good work! I am already looking forward to next season!

The Snake DAY!!

Monday, May 25, 2009 0 comments

Walt came in this morning and said,

"OH MY GOSH, DAD, a huge salamandar, or a snake just crawled under the white tub thingy in the garage!!"

I responded,

"Um, what do you mean, Walt? Are you saying there might be a snake in our garage?"

Walt said, "YES! Come Quick!!"

(ABOVE) This is the straight down view of the snake hiding behind our hot water heater.

Above is the blue container that Ashley found that we could put the snake in when we caught it.

This view shows the real reason why we couldn't find our friendly drive way FROG for the last two days. Seriously...
(ABOVE) Just putting some perspective on the size of the snake. We estimate the snake is 24 inches long or so, give or take an inch or so.

Above - Good shot of the NON-triangular head to let us know this was a non-poisonous snake.

(Above) Good view of the full snake after we had "caught" him. We used an 8 iron and a net to get him or her wrangled up into the box.

Above - A proud Walt with the snake in tow.

My Unbelievable Wife!

Saturday, May 09, 2009 2 comments
Ashley Simpson is the best Mom in the world!

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Next Friday or THE Next Friday?

Thursday, March 26, 2009 0 comments
I am involved in an on-going discussion with my father as to what "Next Friday" means on any given Tuesday.

It is my personal belief that the words "Next Friday" said when referring to when something is happening, never mean three days from the time said, but TEN days. I would argue that one should always say, "THE next Friday," or more simply, "Friday," if they are referring to the day three days away.

My father's rebuttal to this argument is simple, but in my opinion, flawed logically. He states that if on that same Tuesday a person said, "Friday AFTER Next" they would clearly mean TEN days from the time said. I agree with this point. So in agreeing, my father attempts to wall me in by saying, how can "Friday AFTER Next" mean the same thing as "Next Friday?"

My response back is simple and probably flawed logically as well. It has two parts. Either part is equally as effective at sort of proving my points.

Part 1 :: "Friday AFTER Next" does mean the same thing as "Next Friday." But it doesn't mean the same thing as "Friday AFTER Next Friday."

Part 2 :: My response is to ask him when “THIS Friday” is. His response is three days from now (still assuming we are on Tuesday.) So I say, how can “THIS Friday” and “NEXT Friday” be the same day?

In my opinion, the entire logic framework is solely based on a weekend being between the days discussed or not. If we are on a Tuesday and we say “NEXT Friday” we clearly mean TEN days away. However, if we were on Saturday and said “NEXT Friday” we would (not so clearly) mean six days away.

I will also forfeit the point that using months instead of days changes everything. I would never say “NEXT month” during February and mean to communicate April. “NEXT” when referring to months always means “THE VERY NEXT.”

Also, if we were on Thursday instead of Tuesday and said, "NEXT Friday," we would definitely mean 8 days away. Otherwise we would just say TOMORROW. If the word tomorrow could be used it should ALWAYS be used. This rule is not negotiable.

In conclusion, anyone that thinks they contain the end all be all solution to this issue, I am quite certain, is sadly mistaken. So the VERY next time someone says to you, “Meet me NEXT Friday,” remember to ask them if they mean the VERY next Friday, or the Friday after next, or NEXT Friday, or THIS Friday, and make sure they don't actually mean Wednesday.

My Cinema Share

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 3 comments
These questions have been passed all around Facebook, so I decided to make it a blog entry for those that would want to know these things.

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.
Say Anything
The Matrix
Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi
The Longest Yard (The Original)
Pretty Woman
Back to the Future
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Remember the Titans
The Natural
Shawshank Redemption
Beauty and the Beast
Dead Poets Society
Superbad (not yet, but it will get there...I am on about 8)
Teen Wolf
The Sting
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Electric Horseman
Night Shift
Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III
Raiders of the Lost Ark
The Incredibles (I have kids! But I do love it!)
Barbie Rapunzel (you'd be's not bad)

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater.
The Matrix
Star Wars
Empire Strikes Back
Back to the Future
Dead Poets Society
Die Hard
Teen Wolf
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - The third time in the theatre's Allen and I came in the exit to a finishing movie back door, walked to the bathroom, waited, and then went into it, because neither one of us had any money. The funny part was on the way into the back door, we ran into my youth pastor, stopped, spoke a minute, then went in.

3. Name an actor/actress that would make you more inclined to see a movie.
Hugh Grant, Robert Downey Jr., Seth Rogen, Michael Cera, Drew Barrymore, Amanda Peet, Rachel McAdams, Vince Vaughn

4. Name an actor/actress that would make you less likely to see a movie.
Vin Deisel, Steven Segal, The kid who played Anakin Skywalker

5. Name a movie that you can quote from.
Pulp Fiction, Superbad, Fight Club, Night Shift (Michael Keaton, Henry Winkler), Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Star Wars Trilogy, Butch Cassidy, The Sting, basically, see list for question number 1.

6. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.
All Software generated disney movies of the late 80's and 90's. Software meaning, the software that they ran "Mermaid", "Beast", and "Genie's Lamp" through. I think they probably ran "Native American Woman" through it too, but I didn't like that one.
If pressed hard, I would probably know way too many GREASE lyrics for a dude on football scholarship in college.
If we include Broadway, then it's ON! -- Les Miz Broadway Recording, I would own anyone at! Seriously...

7. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.
"PRINCE AHHHH-LEEE FABULOUS HEEEE, ALLLEEE uh BABWAH...." and definitely a "Part of your world..." and during that song I have been known to even pose on the couch like Arial on the rock as the water splashes.

8. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.
The Incredibles (I know, true comic book dorks are cringing, but it is an awesome movie for kids!)
and of course all people after they turn seven years old has to see

9. Name a movie that you own.
Superbad, Teen Wolf (and Teen Wolf Too which I haven't seen yet, because it came in the box with the first one)
All Pixar Disney Movies! Seriously!
Pretty Woman, Say Anything, and many others I am sure.

10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
Definitely Adam Sandler. I predict two things, even though one of these won't be related to the question...
A. Adam Sandler will win an oscar within 10 years of today.
B. John Cusak will win an oscar too. And when they give him the lifetime achievement award when he is 90 years old, and they play his cut-ups, we will all be thinking the same thing, "Holy CRAP...I have loved everything this dude has ever done!"
C. Will Ferrel was awesome in Stranger than Fiction.

11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what?
No, but there is one forty miles from Columbia, so we will go this summer!

12. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't yet gotten around to it.
WOW - please no judging, we are seriously broke.... but DARK KNIGHT
Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist, Death to Smoochie

13. Ever walked out of a movie?
Yes. Rob Roy -- I don't like rape scenes. Assuming I would have walked out on The Accused as well. However, when Vince Vaughn says he felt like Jodie Foster in The Accused last night during Wedding Crashers, I will admit I laughed really hard at that line.

14. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.
Boyz in the Hood, Dead Poets Society, Rocky II (I couldn't believe he couldn't get a job! I was like 8 years old!), RUDY (everytime I see it I cry at three points...during the Five-Foot-Nothin speech, When he comes BACK to practice, and at the end when makes the tackle.)
Hoosiers (at the end when Gene Hackman's voice says, "I love you boys...") Reality Bites at the end..probably the U2 song gets me...

Not in the theatre (and I am working on this as stage material for my stand-up) but
Everyone knows that it is allowed for guys to cry at Brian's Song, right? So, by show of applause who cried at the Movie Brian's Song? about another one...How about CARS? anyone?... no one?... I loved Disney Pixar's CARS! Man, when Lightning McQueen gives up the win in the end...come on!! I was like a seven year old little girl watching Old Yellar!

Maybe thinking of subbing in Hotel for Dogs into the above bit -- I cried something fierce at the end of that. I looked at my daughter, Savannah, during the middle of the movie, and she was crying, and when I looked at her, she said, "I don't even know why I am crying daddy..." and I said, "I don't know why I am crying either's ok..."

Also cried at the end of Ratatoille in the theatre! Seriously...

15. Popcorn?
Too expensive, just makes me angry.

16. How often do you go to the movies?
Used to go every now and then... but now NEVER -- maybe to see Hotel For Dogs with the kids. I didn't see Iron-Man or Dark Knight in the theatre! I do have an awesome HD television and every movie channel on Directv though!

17. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?
Hotel for Dogs - Five Stars from me!

18. What's your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
I love a good romantic comedy, but also love adventure movies. Crazy Black Comedy like Fight Club though really gets me going.

19. What's the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
That weird Flinstone movie Allen references in his deal probably because I remember seeing it, but I thought Star Wars was my first movie.

20. What movie do you wish you had never seen?
Joe Dirt, Billy Bathgate, Hudson Hawk

21. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?
The Daytrippers maybe (Greg Mottala)
50 First Dates

22. What is the scariest movie you've seen?
I don't see scary movies at all. Meaning horror movies. I just have never ever seen one!
Poltergeist when I was kid was terrible for me, saw like half of it.
Didn't watch the melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark until the eighth grade when my geology teacher showed the movie to us in class.
Silence of the Lambs maybe? The Muse!

23. What is the funniest movie you've seen?
WOW - hard to pick one!
I think Superbad is my recent favorite. And maybe the movie that I laugh the longest and hardest at (that's what she said) ever...
I have really struck a cord with the Judd Apatow camp of films lately.
Wedding Crashers for sure!

Handicapped Lottery Access

Monday, March 09, 2009 0 comments
I would like to take this time to thank the good state of North Carolina for taking such good care of handicapped folks. I have had relatives that have been so negatively affected by restaurants and other establishments not having the right types of access that my heart breaks for the handicapped.

While traveling through North Carolina recently I snapped this picture at a local gas station.
My only issue would be that if the handicapped folks didn't have a properly functioning horn in their vehicle I wonder what would happen? Darn those North Carolinian congressmen that have deprived the horn-less handicapped of their inalienable right to purchase a lottery ticket.

While performing at the BET - A Time To Laugh - tapings, I was able to get to know Chris "Smokey" Jones pretty well. He is one of the most talented and funny persons I have ever met in my entire life.

The cool thing was, I happen to be doing open-mic night at The Comedy House in Columbia about six months ago (one of four times only, although, I do perform there tomorrow night!) and Smokey was featured that night.

He and I hit off backstage and got to talking about some deeper spiritual things. We made a connection there and reconnected at the audition. It would seem we may be destined for something great together! We'll see.

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