If you haven't read ::Part 1:: you can do that here.

I would like to put on the record, that I am a very big fan of the President Elect. I have historically been a conservative. Mr. Obama, the man, caused me to do more research than I had ever done before on the elections. I was extremely impressed with him as a candidate, a leader, a father, a husband, a debater, and a person.

Through this election cycle, it was intriguing the responses I would get when I would tell people I was "undecided." My liberal friends thought that it was impressive that I would not simply be pulling the "conservative" handle, and my conservative friends, after they would get over their initial shock, were constantly wanting the short version (so they would not have to do any actual research themselves) that I could give them on exactly why I believed Mr. Obama was, in fact, not a terrorist.

All the interest that my "undecided" status garnered lead me to an important proclamation. I am officially remaining "undecided." I did vote, and I know for whom I voted. So I could fully support the actual victor, I decided never to divulge the candidate for whom I voted. So, with all that being said, I would like it officially noted, that while I am not admitting who I voted for, I am definitely giving the President Elect my utmost faith and respect, and I am pledging to do my part to support his Presidency to the best of my ability. I am also willing to say, openly, that I am very excited about the leadership that this President Elect has shown through the election process, and I am sincerely looking forward to the first Presidency of an African-American in our great country.

The reason I say all this is because the next few paragraphs are meant entirely as satire. If that goes unnoticed it could be thought that I am somehow belittling the man, Barack Obama, and his family. In fact, it is exactly the opposite. I will be drawing comparisons of the Obama family to my wonderful goldendoodles. It is quite clear from my comedy and my writings that I sincerely love my dogs. It is also very clear to all of my friends that I have spoken with about Mr. Obama, that I truly respect him and have a great admiration for him professionally, politically, and personally. If someone tries to make me out to be evil for comparing the Obama Presidency or his family to my dogs, then they are missing the point of this article all together. This article is meant to be an over the top, tongue and cheek, expose' as to why the actual best choice of dog for the President and his family would be a Goldendoodle.

If, Stephen Colbert, were saying the following things, they would be funny without the disclaimer because you would know the attitude from which they came. Since you don't know me or have any way to base your judgements on me about what is written, I kindly ask you to picture Stephen Colbert saying the following things on his show. Treat the potentially inflammatory comments as if they were being said by the wonderfully misinformed Mr. Colbert. Then the accurate tonality and inflections will be perceived.

I hope the previous disclaimer will suffice. On with the satire!

The Obama's have been in the news for reportedly declaring that their main concern in choosing a "shelter" dog is that the allergy issues may not be easily avoided, because, according to President Elect Obama,
Many shelter dogs are mutts, like me.
I am writing this entry to put on the record that Mr. Obama is actually a bit inaccurate with his statements. He is not technically a "mutt." He is what dog experts would call an F-1. He is a first generation cross-bred human. A designer-human if you will. A "mutt" implies, in dog terminology, that we are unable to determine how many breeds of dog are actually contained inside the "mutt's" DNA, but in the case of President Elect Obama, we actually do know. (Assuming each of his parents are full-bred. Footnote: Do we have papers on the parents?)

Here is where the metaphor continues to play out with the Goldendoodle. Barack Obama is the son of a white woman and an African (black) man. In "Doodle-terms" this would make Mr. Obama an F-1, or First Generation Doodle. Another term used for "mutt" is "Heinz 57" which implies the "mutt" may actually have DNA from 57 other dogs. Mr. Obama, clearly has DNA from two pure-bred "breeds," black and white.

HYBRID VIGOR :: Does Obama Have It?

Here is what the website says about F-1's.
F-1's are a first generation cross, and as such they exhibit hybrid vigor.

This is a phenomenon in animal breeding referring to the fact that the first cross between two unrelated purebred lines is healthier and grows better than either parent line.

The hybrid cross between these two parent breeds are terrific with families, generally friendly, intelligent, affectionate and easy to train.

The evidence that Mr. Obama does indeed contain this hybrid vigor is quite clear. To say nothing of the fact that he defeated all the odds and defied the pundits' predictions of his inevitable defeat, we will address the Doodle traits specifically mentioned above.
  • He is a very good family man (took his daughters to see the Jonas Brothers)
  • He is a man of extraordinary intelligence (President of The Harvard Law Review)
  • He is quite friendly (Never lost his temper, not once, during the campaign cycle that saw insults hurled at him by the dozens)
  • He is very affectionate, (He can be seen kissing his wife, Michelle, many times, and hugging his little girls openly, and while he shook at least a million hands during the campaign there was not a single report of snipping, biting, or squeezing)
  • As for 'easy to train,' his impenetrable voting record would indicate that the Democratic Party found him quite the trainable protege.
The website also states,
...and grows better than either parent line.
Do you realize the magnitude of this? This means that the F-1 will not only be an equal form of human being, but this implies there is evidence to support the fact that F-1's will actually end up BETTER than either of their pure-bred parents. Outstanding! Mr. Obama has been properly bred for the job!! (Don't we want our leader of the free world to be better than we are?)

Breeding experts all agree that cross breeding F-1's is not the best way to produce predictable genetic results. Therefore, Mr. Obama, an F-1, made a wise decision to choose Michelle, a purebred, as his wife. (Again, see disclaimer if this seems like I am harshly comparing Mrs. Obama to an animal. Gentle Reminder: It's satire.) Therefore, his offspring would then be much more likely to inherent that hybrid vigor as well.

In Mr. Obama's case, using doodle-terminology, he has 'mated' with a pure-bred. Therefore his children, Malia and Sasha, will get half their genetic make-up from a pure-bred (their mother) and half from an F-1 (their father.) Breeding websites say these ratios produce a seventy five percent ratio from the F-1 and 25 percent ratio from the pure-bred and are deemed an F-1b.

In true breeding terms, the most desirable form of Goldendoodle, from an allergy-friendly perspective is the coveted F-1b. The wonderfully ironic part of this, is that while Malia Obama has requested the Goldendoodle, she has unknowingly requested to receive a dog that metaphorically represents ... HER! Malia and Sasha are, in Doodle-terms, the MOST desirable form of offspring - F-1b's. (Which by the way, makes them way more expensive! LEAVE it to the Democrats to up the spending! However, I am certain, that President Elect Obama, will find some other cut in the budget to make sure the newly created Doodle Expense will end up a BUDGET NEUTRAL item. Official apologies to the Clean-Coal Technology camp.)

Similar Timelines :: The Doodle and Obama

To add more irony to the pile, the actual breed of Goldendoodle did not even exist until the mid-1990's. Do any of you know when Barack Obama's political career got started? RIGHT! The mid-1990's.

It's like the Goldendoodle is the dog of destiny for the Obama Presidency. From this point forward I will officially be disappointed in any other "dog-picking" decision made by our President Elect. I say, stick a feather in its cap and call it macaroni! - It's a Yankee-DOODLE-Dandy!

Again, if you missed the disclaimer, please re-read the first 80 percent of this article.

From coach to comedian: Marty Simpson is a former USA Today high school All-American and collegiate Academic All-Conference player for USC who scored the Gamecocks' first 6 points in the SEC. During 8 years as a high school varsity coach, Simpson led his team to the state finals and saw one player advance to set an NFL rookie record. Simpson now divides his time between his family, running a multimedia company named Blue-Eyed Panda and getting the same pre-game jitters by performing stand-up comedy nationwide.

Check out Marty's performance dates here.

4 Response to ':: Part II :: Why the Goldendoodle is the Dog of Destiny for the Obama Presidency'

  1. Anonymous Said,'> January 11, 2009 at 6:13 PM


  2.'> January 11, 2009 at 6:27 PM


  3. Anonymous Said,'> January 22, 2009 at 10:35 PM


  4.'> January 23, 2009 at 10:41 AM


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