For those of you who have followed closely, you will remember I posted a few months back about a new song I had written, called "You Can't Trust a Man with an Even Tan." Through a few providential circumstances, I was able to complete the writing of the music side of it and actually debut it live in a show!

The lyrics are all listed below so you can read them and let me know what you think. I am grateful to one of my former students, and master musician/studio owner, Kenny McWilliams (of Archer Avenue Studio) for helping me complete the simple melody. But more importantly, teaching me a simple fact that I didn't know.  I naturally sing in F-Sharp so if he plays the blues riff in F-sharp it sort of sounds like I am actually singing it in the correct key. Who knew?

In the past, I always let the fact that I cannot sing, or even keep time very well, prevent me from performing music in my act. I have now, officially, put all that behind me! Check out the video and lyrics below and let me know what you think.

Read on for full song lyrics as performed in this video (which was the first time the song was ever performed live.)

You can't trust a man with an even tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,
is any man with an even tan.

When you're out there looking for mister "right."
Just roll up his sleeve and look for some white.
If his arm's one shade, then don't be dismayed,
To find, he's just trying ----- to get ... sauteed.

You can't trust a man with an even tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,
is any man with an even tan.

Even though the lady teachers may drool
seeing even-tan man's converti-bool.
All moms sitting in traffic at grade-school,
Know a real man drops off 6 at car-pool.

Don't care if you stare at his catamaran
It's impressive I understand.
Remember your Uncle Stan?
He had five wives and an even-tan.
He had five wives and an even-tan.

So do trust the dude drives a mini-van
He'll take you to the promised land.
He don't give a hoot 'bout his tan.
He's a man who drives a mini-van.

I'm a mini-van man by my own admission,
I'm easy to please, won't take a magician.
All my dreams will have come to fruition,
When I own a Town and Country... Limited Edition.


The day finally came when I'd saved enough money
to buy a mini-van for me and my honey
And so I could keep up with the Jones-es,
I had to have the wireless headphones-es.

Went to the dealership but got apprehensive,
Because it turns out, they were really expensive.
So I went online and looked on ebay,
found a guy that would take what I could pay.

but on his website there was no photograph,
so when he told me the color, it just made me laugh.
Before I could ask, he quickly began
He said it was beige... like an even-tan.

Yes I drive a van that's an even-tan
So we've ended up where we began.
That doesn't make me like your Uncle Stan.
Just 'cuz my van's an even-tan.

I never would trust an even tan man
Unless that man was Mexican
Or maybe African American
But not if he's Caucasian.
Not if he's Caucasian.

You can't trust a man with an even-tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,

Is any man
Is any man
Is any man with an even-

Okay I know that was horrible
Stop judging me!

From coach to comedian: Marty Simpson is a former USA Today high school All-American and collegiate Academic All-Conference player for USC who scored the Gamecocks' first 6 points in the SEC. During 8 years as a high school varsity coach, Simpson led his team to the state finals and saw one player advance to set an NFL rookie record. Simpson now divides his time between his family, running a multimedia company named Blue-Eyed Panda and getting the same pre-game jitters by performing stand-up comedy nationwide.

Check out Marty's performance dates here.

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