People have asked me why I make fun of my former team, the South Carolina Gamecocks in my act. The simple answer is, because I have a sense of humor.
I love my Gamecocks! I will bleed Garnet and Black until I die. Just because I point out a few misfortunate foibles of our storied past doesn't mean I am not a loyal fan and supporter! But lighten up people, they are JOKES! And I would challenge anyone to refute any truths pointed out in the jokes I tell on stage about the Gamecocks! Laugh at yourself before the world laughs at you, and then instead they will laugh WITH YOU!
I thought I would take the time to explain my jokes about the Gamecocks, so I could start referring people to this blog post, instead of defending it over and over again via email! Now that the blog has a few hits going to it, I thought it might be time to post this explanation of some of my jokes.
I really only tell jokes or stories on stage that are based on true, real life, experiences I have had. Therefore, my Gamecock humor is rooted in that same truth.
It is clear that some of the basis for the humor in my Gamecock material is fast disappearing (with all the recent success and all) but the historical pretext is and always will be there. I fully expect us to win big this year, making some of my jokes become more and more obsolete, but not FALSE!
The jokes I tell about the Gamecocks are either FACTUALLY accurate, or happened to me while I played there. It is as simple as that.
Just be excited that the days of the Chicken Curse are long stomped out by Ray Tanner and Michael Roth and company and Coach Spurrier will continue to bury the curse over the next few seasons!
For those of you that cannot find the humor in my Gamecock jokes because you are offended as a Gamecock fan, I suppose there is nothing I can say to you, other than to predict you are one of those type fans that wants Clemson's bus to crash on the way to the game. I want bad things to happen to Clemson during the game sure! But I don't want bad things to happen to Clemson off the field! I would go so far as to say I was willing to pull for Clemson in a bowl game if they weren't playing an S.E.C. team. I have many friends that are great people that went to Clemson and still work there.
It's time to lighten up people! Coach Tanner and Coach Spurrier have changed the culture at South Carolina forever! Not being able to make fun of the past simply is short-sighted.
And remember this: After we win 12 or 13 or 14 games this year, our overall historical football record will still only be about .5 of a percent above 500! That means that we have the best fans in America! Because our fans pack the house every year for a hundred years knowing that ... well, we might win! It's a coin toss really!
The American Idol Tour 2011 was a terrific show for the entire family! Seriously! Here is a short video chronicling my son, Walt's journey of getting James Durbin's autograph. Click the continue reading link after viewing the video for more insights on what actually happened.
We waited by these doors for about an hour for the first Idol to come out, and it was not James. But Nayima is beautiful in person. Next was Casey, which was a lot of fun as everyone went crazy.
Then a sort of drunk woman pushed her way up to beside us (as we were crammed against mobs of teenage girls already trying to force their way to get close enough to the railing to get an autograph.)
Then James came out and everyone went crazy. Walt got on my shoulders and stayed there for about 20 minutes as James made his way down the long line of folks. As he got closer I could hear him saying, "No, sorry, I don't do pictures with people in them." But he was really cool about signing stuff.
That is why you can hear me sort of get bossy with "crazy-lady" as she tries to dominate James as he comes by. Walt was sitting on my shoulders with his bandana sticking out his back pants just like James wears it and had his fo-hawk all done up and everything.
The video clearly shows James seeing Walt and then taking the bandana and signing it and giving it back, while simultaneously he remains nice to "crazy-lady" as I try to make sure she doesn't prevent our time from happening!
I use different tactics to motivate my children to help with yard work. I said to Savannah (my eleven year old girl) and Walton (my eight year old boy), "Hey kids, I will let you help with the yard-work today if you promise I can point the electric blower at your face for a few pictures. They could not resist! And neither could I.
Click the continue reading button to see more photos.
My son, Walt. He just made Coaches Pitch All-Stars, so look for an upcoming blog discussing the top 7 Truths of Rec League Coaches Pitch Baseball.
My daughter, Savannah. She is the main one that loves doing this. She laughs hysterically even talking about it.
My wife wanted a piece of the action!
And so did I!
Wait until you see what we do when we mow the grass!
Isn't it hard to watch that annoying family at the amusement park walking around all happy and elated like they just won the lottery. You know the family I am talking about? I hate that family.
They are carrying their prizes around on their shoulders or in a baby carriage because the Spongebob they won is larger than a life-size Incredible Hulk! The cute little happy children are laughing and giggling, and it seems like they know something about the universe that they are keeping secret from the rest us.
As they skip past you, you cannot help but find yourself holding back the urge to thrust your plastic spork from your warm melted ice cream into their temples. Well, I am proud to say that I am finally over that struggle. Mostly, because my family was THAT FAMILY! And it changed everything for me!
I took my two kids, Walt (8 years old) and Savannah (11 years old) to Frankie's Fun Park in Irmo, South Carolina. It was a magical day of go-karts, laser-tag and rock-climbing.
But the coolest part was we were finally THE OTHER family! The Simpson Unit was finally that annoying family that has so many tickets that they could use them as cover in a hail storm!
It happened after we had already had an unbelievably awesome day zooming around in go-karts and scaling huge rock walls to the applause of others watching. Okay, the others watching consisted of me and Savannah clapping for Walt, but applause is applause! (It would still keep Tinkerbell alive!)
As we were leaving, Savannah and Walt begged me to play some of the money-sucking trap games and for some strange reason, I agreed to let them play. I did so out of an obligation to teach them at a young age that all these games are sick twisted pranks that computer hackers play on small children as payback for all the hard times they were given growing up as nerds. My kids weren't willing to worry about all that. They just wanted to push their money into slots and spin stuff.
I went into my speech about how we were only going to spend 20 dollars total on these games, and I would rather go to the store and buy them 20 dollars worth of toys. However, they insisted that they could win and that would make it worth it.
I smugly got 20 dollars worth of plays put on our little miniature card and swiped the first 3 dollar game on Wheel of Fortune. We got the first word correctly on two spins and were awarded 12 tickets! Enough to buy one piece of bubble gum! I looked at Savannah and said, "17 dollars left, you can still go to the store with $8.50 each."
She was not going to be swayed.
When I put in the next 3 dollars for Wheel of Fortune, Walt said, "Put 2 more in and you get double tickets!"
I responded, "Walt, that is just how they rig it against you to sucker you into paying more money."
He said, "Dad, what if we spin the highest amount, you will have wished you doubled it up."
This was impenetrable logic, so I obliged.
We were already down three dollars, and now we were playing a second time for five dollars. This time we got double score on the tickets for the additional two dollars. As Savannah spun the wheel, I looked to my left and ignored the spin and said to her, "Wouldn't it just be amazing if you got the 200 slot (the highest slot)?"
She said, "I know that would be awesome."
All the while, the spin had come to a stop and it was flashing and buzzing because that is exactly what happened! Walt was trying to get our attention but Savannah and I were just staring at the wheel sliver that was on the arrow as the 200 blinked! Seriously, this sliver was tiny! (See video.)
Then we had to guess a letter correctly!
"S!," Savannah and Walt both shouted.
I plugged in the S. Booyah! 2-S's, times the double score meant 800 tickets! Walt spun and it landed on a similar sliver which was for 20 tickets. I thought we had hit the 200 jackpot twice in row, but it as just another small sliver that looked the same and was worth 20. Then Walt guessed, "R" and there were 2-R's so that was 20 doubled twice for 80 more tickets!
20 seconds later we were typing in "Marinated Mushrooms" and tickets were pouring out of that machine for literally 5 minutes. The ticket dispenser ran dry and a service tech had to come over and give us more tickets by hand. It was truly awe inspiring!
We played Deal or No Deal and Savannah actually picked the box with the highest total in it (400 tickets) but we took the deal with 2 boxes left for 254 tickets, because the other box was the 20 ticket box. I tried explaining how the deal was a great deal, but they were frustrated with me for not sticking with our original pick! The video animated host does a really good job mocking you for taking the deal when your box was the highest total box. I wanted to punch the machine myself!
I kept going on and on about the math involved but they were having none of that logical discussion! So we played Deal or No Deal again, and this time we went all the way to the end sticking with our original box. The deal was made to us with 2 boxes left. The 400 ticket box (the highest possible) and the 5 ticket box. The deal was for 149 tickets. I was screaming, "TAKE THE DEAL!" but Savannah crushed the big read NO DEAL button before I could do anything. By this time, you can guess, right? Right. 400 more tickets to the Simpsons!
And another five minutes standing at a machine as family after family rolled their eyes as they watched my kids doing their happy dances... with their father. (Don't judge me until you have felt the sweet thrill of victory at one of these establishments!)
So I guess I will wait until another day to teach my kids a lesson about how these games are all traps to steal your money. I will wait to teach them about statistical math and odds and those types of things until after the joy of this victory has warn off.
On the ride home Walt (my 8 year old) asked me, "Dad, if we bought 2 webkinz and all this candy and these toys and stuff how much would that cost?"
I said, "About 55 dollars."
And he said, "And we only spent 20 dollars on the games, right?"
"Right," I hesitantly replied.
Then, my 8-year old calmly, and matter-of-factly said, "So you owe us 35 bucks then, right?"
My son may not grow up understanding the odds of the table games, but at least he understands how to be a bookie!
